Quiet Sorrow and Secret Nightmares

Shame

Short chapter so I'll post another one tomorrow once I have proof read it again.

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Ethan released him on the 25th at Jay's borderline desperate request. Between University and Med, he'd been in the hospital a total of five days. He probably should have stayed longer even though his more serious injuries; a significant concussion, bruised kidney's and a slow bleed in his liver, were resolving without complications, but Will could tell he felt trapped. That sickening vulnerability Jay felt whenever he was in the hospital, on top of the never ending declarations of contrition, were becoming a little much for his brother and it was written all over his bruised and battered face.

Jay was slumped against the door for the entire ride home and even though Ethan dosed him up pretty good for the trip, groans or hisses occasionally escaped when a pothole or rough section of the road woke him up.

His stubborn little brother looked like shit. The contusions on his face and body had barely started to fade. He was stiff and achy and his broken and bruised ribs weren't any less painful, nor was his lower back over his kidneys. The bruises there were still practically black.

Jay woke as soon as the engine cut, blinked owlishly at his brother then nodded and got out of the car. Will scrambled around to the side to help him and Jay allowed it, which in and of itself, was a testament to how shitty he felt.

Waiting for the elevator almost did Jay in and Will ended up draping Jay's good arm around his shoulder and taking most of his weight, the full affects of the drugs still in play.

After getting Jay settled in bed following the long trek from the car, Will stood in the doorway taking in his beat to shit little brother. He was out cold, which was just what he needed to heal. When staring at his brother became too painful with the rush of the last five days, hell the month, swirling in his head, he set a timer for Jay's next dose of pain killers and laid down on the couch for a nap.

X

Jay woke up later, angry and in pain...but more than that, ashamed...

There was one more day he needed to get through, July 29th. It was still four days away but he just woke up boiling in the shame of it. No surprise though, that shame always arrived early and it always stayed late.

It was also the one day of the shit month his heart revisited the most throughout the year. It was the one day that would drive him to his mom's grave to deliver a tear filled apology for what he'd done, hoping he would feel her forgiveness once again.

Without fail he would eventually feel it, but it always came on the heels of remembering who she was as a person and as a mom. It took him years to get to that point, years to get his shit together enough to realize that, of course she would forgive him.

She would forgive him and he was a bad son for ever doubting it, but he would never be able to forgive himself for what he'd done. In his mind the idea, the thought of it, was just as bad as if he had carried out the deed.

The thought...no plan, he had back then of going back to the desert to be purposely killed in action was something unforgivable. Yes, he was alone, so fucking alone and in pain when he had the thought but that was no excuse.

He fucking hated July and just wanted it to be over so he could sleep without the hiss of memories keeping him awake half the night and the reek of them suffocating him in the day.

X.

Every night he'd picked his drunk ass dad up from the bar and like clockwork, his dad would go to town on him for everything; his mom getting sick, his mom dying, Will not coming home to see their mom, Will going away after the funeral. It was all laid on him.

It was overwhelming, the blame, and he was alone to marinate in it. He was alone in everything and the pain of it all was too great. He needed Will desperately.

He needed Will to help him with their dad, to talk to about their mom, talk to about anything, but Will was in New York and that left him alone with their dad to figure out life without their mom and it was ugly. It was just fucking ugly.