Quiet Sorrow and Secret Nightmares

51163

"I haven't talked to him since yesterday. Well, texted since yesterday. We were supposed to watch the game, but I was too tired."

They had Will on speaker giving him the lowdown on the last 24 hours, keeping what happened to Hailey out of it and focusing on Jay's run in with Voight and the night terror.

"He's had a hell of a month and we're not even half way through. And to be honest, 75% of that hell is on me. I rode him pretty hard."

"How was he after he talked to Mouse? Mouse called me and asked me to check in on him but Jay did his Jay thing and shut down."

Hailey was puzzled by that, "What happened with Mouse?"

Will sighed on the other end of the line at the thought of his brother shutting everyone out. Hailey was his go to and apparently they hadn't done 'their thing.'

"Aw man Jay..." He let out an exasperated groan. "A friend of theirs died the end of June. Mouse got hurt. He'll be okay, but was in the hospital and couldn't come home for the for the funeral. Jay didn't know Kerry died. Not 'til almost a week later...he missed the funeral too. I thought he would have talked to you about it."

Hailey clasped her hands on her head. Sad for Jay and frustrated that once again he was trying to hide his pain and go it alone.

"He's had a rough couple of weeks."

Understatement of the century. She didn't look at Voight or she'd probably punch him. Voight couldn't have picked a worse time to be a colossal prick to Jay.

"Can you guys keep me in the loop. I gotta get back to work..."

"Will do Doc."

X

Voight hid in his office and even though Jay more than likely wouldn't be there, Hailey left to check Jay's apartment.

Feeling bad about his behavior, Adam leaned back in his chair and groaned out his screw up, "Shit man, I was such an ass to him. I know he would never hurt Hailey."

"Hey man, don't beat yourself up. We all thought the same thing. It was obvious when Jay came up the steps that he did it, I think we all just missed the remorse and forgot this was Jay we were blaming in our worry for Hailey..."

X

Hailey was back in the office an hour later and sitting in front of her boss. She hadn't found Jay at his apartment and didn't want to just leave things lie.

"What's the play then?"

Internally Hailey was pissed that Voight was using the language he would normally use when working a case, this was Jay.

"Jay's not a case Sarge."

He looked at her confused by the statement, "I know Hailey. I just want to find him, set this right, kid's got too much on his plate right now and at the very least I want to take my shit off of it."

They sat there for a moment, both lost in their own thoughts. Hailey's taking a left turn to anger at Jay for not letting her in. Not because of what happened to her, but what was happening to him. Then she turned the anger on herself for not pushing it. She let it go on too long thinking eventually they would talk about it. She was pissed that she had been so fucking blind to it, all of it. At the very least she should have talked to Will and she didn't.

She let Jay down and even though she didn't visibly pile shit on to his plate, it was there. Her lack of action was just as wrong as Voight's attitude toward her partner.

"So, what's the play?"

Opening the door, she looked back at her boss before stepping out, "Give him time. Even though he won't answer, I'll send him a text, leave him a message. That's pretty much all we can do for now. Give it a couple of hours then we can go all cavalry on him."

But they never did get a chance to go after Jay, they got a case and went all calvary for a missing kid instead.

XXXXXXX

Jay sat on the roof of his building drinking whisky straight from the bottle wondering how he got to this place, how he let himself get to this place. He took another drink, pissed at himself for getting drunk on the good stuff when he stopped tasting it an hour ago.

At a loss for what to do, he took another drink. He didn't think he could fix this mess, it was too big. There were only three people that would stand a chance of helping him fix this shit...helping him fix his shit, one of them was in Kabul, one was somewhere covered in bruises he gave her and the other was in heaven.

That started the tears again...he had hit Hailey, more than once given the evidence on her face. The tears turned into sobs and opened the gates for dark thoughts he hadn't had in years. He finished the whisky and threw the bottle against the air handler. Broken glass found its way back to him cutting his cheek but he didn't realize it at first, not until he wiped the tears from his face and they came back red.

His dark thoughts spun as he clumsily turned a piece of glass over in his hands. He stared at it, felt its weight and tossed it away. He tipped his head back, looked at the sky and remembered he was on the roof of his apartment building. Getting his unsteady feet under him, he stumbled for the stairs. The roof was not a good place for him to be.

When he got to his apartment he collapsed onto his couch in a huff of tears. He felt his badge pushing against his stomach and knew he would probably be giving it back soon...knew that just inches from his badge, his gun was clipped to his belt.

That started another round of sobbing. He got up and clumsily locked his gun in the safe and unclipped his badge, not quite sure what to do with it. He wiped his eyes with the backs of his hands and climbed into bed, clinging to the badge like a lifeline. 51163. That's who he is...was...He didn't know what was going to happen, didn't know what he would do without his job and his best friend.

He needed to apologize to Hailey, but no apology would be big enough to cover what he did. He closed his eyes and saw her face, the flinch. New tears rolled and he sat back up not wanting to sleep. He didn't know what to do...he wanted Hailey...wanted Mouse...wanted his mom...