Quiet Sorrow and Secret Nightmares

Tossing, turning and tears

Keeping busy with paperwork wasn't working for shit. What he really wanted to do was leave early and hang out at med with Will until he was done with work, then they could go straight to Molly's from there and watch the game as planned, but since Voight hated him right now, he was sure his boss wouldn't let him cut out early.

Jay was 99% sure Will had no clue it was the anniversary of their mom's death, and even though he was pissed about it, he let it be. Normally he would have called him on it, but he was too tired, too hurt, too... he just wanted...needed to be with his brother and telling him the importance of the day would have ended in a fight and then Will would, without a doubt, ditch him.

So he let it ride. He would keep his thoughts, his heartache to himself and wouldn't mention their mom. He would be with his brother, that was the only thing that mattered. Clueless Will was better than no Will.

X

Jay got a text from his brother just as he sat at his desk, 'taking a raincheck' on the night. He'd had a long day, was tired and just wanted to go home to Natalie.

Maybe he should have texted him back, reminded him what day it was, how much he needed him but he didn't. He jumped into a pool of self pity instead. He couldn't help himself, it hurt, it fucking hurt.

Gripping his phone, he willed away the tears that threatened. As much as he tried not to feel abandoned by his brother, it was impossible. He was an idiot for getting his hopes up...again.

He really fucking hated July.

X

"Halstead. My office."

Jay looked up at his boss wondering what he did now.

"HALSTEAD!"

Apparently he wasn't getting up fast enough.

He sighed, shrugged his shoulders at Hailey and walked into the lions den.

Jay didn't even realize he did it. One minute Voight was yelling at him for something, the next minute Jay cut him off by putting his fist through the glass in the door. If Voight was mad before he was raging now, grabbing him by the collar and shoving him into the wall.

He couldn't even hear what Voight was saying, their faces were five inches apart and he had no comprehension of the words, had no clue what he did wrong in the first place. For all he knew Voight could have been raging about how bad the Bears sucked. All Jay heard was noise.

Intermingled with the yelling was the soft voice of Hailey. Jay couldn't understand what she was saying either, the ringing in his ears was at 11 and his heart was a bass drum booming off rhythm.

Neither Voight or Hailey or even the team who were now standing outside the office were talking to Jay. Hell, everyone was absolutely ignoring him. They were all talking at each other. He was the proverbial fly on the wall, except he didn't understand the language. It didn't matter. He was leaving. He was pretty sure his parting shot was 'fuck you!'

He didn't realize the trail of blood he was leaving until he was almost home and saw the blood leaking from his knuckles, down his arm and onto his jeans. By the time he had made it to his apartment though, he had forgotten about his messed up hand.

X

Hailey found him sitting on his couch drinking a beer bleeding all over himself. With a sigh, she took his beer away and dragged him into the bathroom to fix up his hand. They didn't talk, he didn't even look at her, embarrassed of his actions, devastated that his mom was dead, afraid that he was going to lose his job, ashamed he couldn't keep his shit together. That was the cycle of crap running in his head as he sat on the edge of the tub getting his hand fixed up by his best friend.

He was glad she didn't try to force him to talk. They both knew it would happen sooner or later, so there was no need to force the issue. She left the bathroom with a declaration that she didn't think he needed stitches, even though they both knew he needed stitches but wouldn't go to the ER.

She came back a few minutes later with a bottle of water, sweat pants and a t-shirt for him. He took some ibuprofen, drank the water and climbed into bed even though it wasn't even 5 o'clock.

He woke up a little after 8:00 pm. They had a silent dinner of Chinese food and he went back to bed.

The night was hell, filled with tossing, turning and tears. At one point Hailey woke him up from a brutal nightmare, helped him change out of a sweat soaked t-shirt and then crawled into bed with him. He fell asleep holding her hand, her presence bringing him the peace he needed to finally rest.

Jay woke the next morning not feeling the least bit rested and not sure if he should get ready for work, he didn't even know if he still had a job. Hailey was gone and as much as he didn't like it, he would probably need her to pave the way and see if he should bother going in, but then again, maybe he should skip that part, he would have to go in either way.

There was really no choice in the matter. Go in, apologize to Voight and get to work or go in, apologize to Voight and be told to hand over his badge. If there is one thing he was not, it was a fucking coward. He wasn't going to hide from the consequences of his actions.

He did stall getting ready though - for his sure to be shit day. All he really wanted to do was stay in bed, hide under the covers and go to sleep. But that wasn't an option. So, acting like an adult, he got dressed, tied his boots and left the bedroom feeling like a slug.

Jay decided to skip breakfast thinking he would pick something up for Hailey and himself on the way in but was surprised to hear Hailey puttering around the kitchen. He was sure she had left, then thought maybe she had and come back.

He owed her an apology for the last couple of weeks but started with the 'thank you' for the previous night, "Hey, thanks for..."

His words died on his tongue, his partner stood in his kitchen with a black eye and a split lip, "...Hailey! What the...what the hell happened?"

Taking in the time on the microwave, his mind going a mile a minute, he thought maybe he had overslept and she'd gone to work and got hurt. But when he stepped forward to look at her face and she flinched away, a sledgehammer hit him in the chest.

He did that to her.

Crushed, he staggered back, horrified by what he had done. He could barely even speak, "Hailey...I...what..." He didn't remember. He didn't remember anything from last night after she crawled into bed.

Hailey tried to keep the tremble from her voice but it was still there, "Jay its..." That was all she could choke out.

She was afraid of him.

Frozen in that heartbreaking realization, he stared at her for another second clocking the damage he'd done to her face. He'd hurt his best friend and she was afraid of him.

Hailey was afraid of him.

Desolation seeping into his soul, he looked away as tears flooded his eyes and before any of them could fall, like a fucking coward he ran.