Quiet Sorrow and Secret Nightmares

Cesspool of July

"Uh...he showed up about 45 minutes ago."

They both looked at Jay where he laid on the gurney, an IV in each arm, a cut cheek sporting four stitches and dead to the world.

As Hank looked at the kid, his guilt spiked. He didn't know all of what was going on with Jay, but knew he was partly responsible for him being in that bed.

"He's just drunk, not hurt, 'cept the stitches?"

Will scoffed, sat down and rubbed his face. Putting his elbows on his knees, he hung his head a second before he sat back and let out an exasperated sigh.

"He's not hurt physically, but I sure as shit didn't help his broken fucking heart."

Voight and Hailey looked at Will, then at Jay. He looked peaceful but then again he was passed out drunk.

Will blew out a guilt infused breath and copped to being an asshole.

"Jay had wanted to hang out yesterday. It was the 15th anniversary of our mom's death. I didn't even...I didn't remember. I should have known something was up. He checked with me two or three times to make sure we were still on but I canceled on him. He needed me and I ditched him. He was alone when she died and he was alone yesterday. In fact, he's been alone for the last 15 years. Every year he goes it alone for one reason or another...not always his choice."

Sighing, Hailey sat down by Jay, took his hand and squeezed it. He didn't stir. Her heart hurt that he drank himself to oblivion, to the edge of alcohol poisoning, rather than talk about it.

Voight berated himself internally. Jay'd had a shit couple of weeks and he didn't notice it or did, ignored it, and just kept taking out his own stress on his detective.

"He came to when we were putting in the IV's and told me what happened. You okay Hailey?"

"I'm fine. He didn't mean it. Hell, he didn't even know he did it...probably still doesn't remember what happened."

Will looked at Voight, "So he's really fired? Ah...you can't reconsider? Did he do something else?"

"Fired?!"

Hailey glared at her boss. Did she missed something? There was no way in hell that was going to happen and let him know it.

"He's not fired!"

Voight ignored her and addressed Will, "He told you he was fired?"

"Ya, uh...ya...hyperventilated until he puked. He's been out ever since."

"Christ. The kid's not fired. But given how I've treated him, pushed him hard enough to put his fist through a glass window..." he gestured to Jay's wrapped hand, "...and then this thing with Hailey...I can see how he would make that assumption, but the thought never crossed my mind."

Will breathed out a sigh of relief. "Good because between thinking he lost his job and knowing he hurt Hailey, he was in a bad place."

They all looked at Jay knowing he was going to wake up in a world of misery - hung over and thinking he had lost everything until they could set him straight.

"How'd he get here?"

"A freaked out Uber driver. He was passed out by the time they got here. Had to put him on a gurney."

The buzzing of his phone drew Voight's eyes from Jay, "Goddammit..."

He turned to Hailey, "We got a body."

She cringed. The last thing she wanted to do was leave Jay.

Voight shook his head at the timing and blew out a frustrated breath, "We'll be back as soon as we can...you'll stay with him?"

"Ya. I'm off til tomorrow morning. He'll be here just for the night."

X

Feigning sleep to avoid the inevitable heart to heart conversation, Jay heard Will tell the nurse that he had to go work his shift and to page him if there were any problems. Perfect timing, while his brother was gone he decided to get the hell out of there. He didn't bother to check out AMA, the nurse would surely call Will, he just disconnected the IV's and left sporting the worst hangover he had had in 15 years.

X

Unable to stop replaying the fear on Hailey's battered face when he had stepped forward, he was too damn sober for this Uber ride. Thoughts of loss clogged his brain leaving no room for hope, for reality.

Since he couldn't forgive himself, it never dawned on him that he would be forgiven. In his addled psyche, he had lost his best friend and his job in one fell swoop...and was sure he had lost the team - his family - because of what he had done to Hailey.

Exhausted and engulfed in the pain over what he perceived he would lose, what was lost, he didn't believe anything was fixable. He was fully immersed in the cesspool of July and he couldn't see for shit.

He had been an ass to everyone all month. He wasn't surprised by their patience, they were all good people, but how could this not be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Shit, he didn't even know where he stood with Will. He had to know what he did to Hailey. He knew his brother spent a lot of the night in his room but that might have been out of obligation. No matter how pissed Will was he would still sit by his bed, if only to wait for him to wake up so he could lay into him.

XXXXXXX

Still smelling like a brewery even after he had taken a shower, he just wanted to go to bed, but that was a pipe dream. He got a text from Voight ordering him to be at the district by 9:00am. Great. Will had told Voight he left AMA...he would be turning in his badge earlier than he thought.

X

He had parked around the corner from the district and now watched the comings and going's. He was trying to pull himself together but watching people go in and out of his home away from home seemed to shatter his heart even more.

In a few minutes or hours, when he finally got the balls to get out of the truck, he would walk up those steps for the last time as a cop. He knew Voight or maybe even Platt would ask for his badge. How could they not?

He saw Hailey pull in the lot and park in her normal space. On a normal day she would go in the front so she could chat with Trudy a minute, but he knew she would be going in the back today...because of him.

Blanching when he thought of Hailey's face, he pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes to stop the tears that threatened. He thought he was handling things, but he had fucked up. If he had just asked for help...had done 'their thing' with Hailey he wouldn't be here right now and Hailey wouldn't be in there with her face covered in bruises. He brushed his fingers over his badge and wished more than anything he could rewind these last couple of weeks and have a do over.