October year 27: months passed through the dead of my husband and a lot happened, I lost myself trying to escape my emptiness but nothing worked, I started smoking again even if I shouldn't have done it, one time as I was doing groceries I saw alcohol so I bought it thinking it will change me , sadly and unconsciously I started abusing my child blaming him for killing his father, the mix between my medication, smoking , homemade coffee and alcohol made me became worse than everything, but I truly cared about my child I never wanted to hurt him but it's too late I m having a serious addiction. I saw fear and terror in my son's eyes , I don't know what to do he will hate me while he is my everything.
One night I was sober and I took my medicine , until I did an overdose. The next day I woke up in a hospital bed, I turned to see what's going on and I saw my son with my oldest brother and my little sister and some doctors explaining me what happened, they added that I can't take of my child anymore and I have to stay in the mental hospital for a month. I was terrified of my family cause I know they will brainwash him , my sister started yelling at me : "what kind of jerk you are you traumatized me and now you are traumatizing your own son", I was silent, my big brother whispered to my child and I know exactly what they were doing, if they raised him he is going to be traumatized and I don't want that for my child "you know your husband is blessed cause he will not live with you anymore" my sister said ,tears of anger started falling from my eyes and I wanted to punch her but I can't , I m paralyzed by the overdose I did. I called my mother in law cause I knew she is the only one who could raise him and I trusted more than everything:" I know I m a jerk now but I didn't mean anything wrong I was truly unconscious, will you take of my child please he is my everything and you are a good mother figure to me that's what I trust you". An hour later she came in the hospital and I hugged her whispering "take care of him" and waved to my son, him completely indifferent holding tears knowing that we will never see eachothers anymore.
December year 27: 2 months passed from the incident and now I m living in my adult life apartment, spending my days alone at my house reading books, smoking cigarettes and coffee, I couldn't work with my mental health and isolation, eyes bags and wrinkles dominated my face.
Alone in my couch reading "The Symposium" by Plato and smoking a cigarette I heard my doorbell ringing, at my surprise it was my female friend. I wasn't excepting her to come over.
"Been a while, I m glad to see you"
"What are you doing here" I took her inside of the apartment.
"Checking on you I miss you so much" she wrapped me in her arms "I remember 20 years ago when I came to help you with moving your stuff here"
"Oh please you can see by your own what happening to me" standing next to a corner.
"I m going to help you"
"That's useless darling I can't handle a change"
"But I will"
I told her everything which made her even more surprised.
"Never thought you've been through so much" making her speechless.
"You know the rule number of life"
"Accept your fate or kill yourself? Why are saying this"
"People don't realize the importance of acceptance because they are too focused on their idealization"
"That's true but what's the point"
"I can't accept my fate anymore that's why I m isolating myself"
"I miss you so much"
"I miss myself too"
"I m ready to sacrifice my life just for you, to see your smile again"
"Who are you in this living"
"Your friend, a true friend"
"You are doing so much for nothing"
"You are suffering and you need to change, since I m a psychiatrist and a psychologist I will help you"
"Any first step" she took the cigarette of my lips and throw it.
"First step done now prepare yourself to go out" which I did.
"What else now" I looked at her tired.
"Make us coffee you need more energy" she stood next to me trying to help me, the smile on her face made me feel better, I liked her presence. As I finished I gave her the cup and we sat together.
"What should I do"
"Be a philosophy teacher you will make a great one, you will make students fall in love with the subject like you did when you were young and doesn't your husband wants you to do and you already have your degree"
"I think you are right"
"Hey I believe in you and I will be always here for you so you better trust me I'm your bestfriend after all" I genuinely smiled.
I couldn't describe this feeling, I felt like somebody truly cared about me and she gave me a meaning to my living, I'm worth living.
"Life isn't worthless"
"As long as I m with you, you are worth everything"
We hangout that day and we spent the whole day shopping, going to the sunset and being happy.
"You deserve to have this little gift from your bestfriend"
"You made my whole day and changed me for the better, you truly deserve everything, I have a question"
"What is it sweetheart"
"Do you feel empty"
"Yes I do and I manage to live with it like any another human being. I have to admit something and to thank you for inspiring me with your realistic philosophy which is indeed something rare in people and made me hate myself for not being that realistic, I m an optimistic person even though I seemed to be really pessimist when I was younger, thank you so much"
"The pleasure is all mine my lady" feeling real admiration towards her.
January year 28: starting this year by doing stages to be a teacher which wasn't my thing but sharing my passion with young youths is a huge pleasure.
YOU ARE READING
Winter Emptiness
Romancea girl trying to find a meaning to her emptiness thinking she is a loner.
