Winter Emptiness

Chapter 4: peace of mind and dreams

October year 4: A wish came true, my first step toward my dream. Day in a life of an economics student, I woke up at 7 am , pray prepare myself and make my myself coffee and a toast, and take the subway to my university, I never truly cared about people in my university cause I simply considers them as colleagues , when the lunch came I usually join my friend group who are not in the same university as me, we are a trio composed of a couple who are 2-3 years older than me , a chill guy and his girlfriend, they are my everything. In the evening I go to the conservatory where I study music theory, I want to realize a childhood dream , to play violin , I go back to my home where I finish my day studying or reading a book but still with the same emptiness after all it's October what do I expect.

November year 4: as I passed by the engineering university to buy my lunch I noticed someone familiar there , when I made the eye contact he waved at me and smiled , it was the boy I was in love with 2 years ago. I smiled back and he came to me and he joined me in the lunch , we talked a little bit and he was glad I was near to him , I was confused at first and I asked him what did he meant he said "I finally have someone to be with" , it made me feel even more confused but I took in a platonic way , the next days I was hanging out with him more often until my trio caught me , they were so glad thinking that I was in love or in couple but I denied everything and it was true I don't care about him anymore, my relationship with my trio was like a sibling relationships I felt more than a little sister to them and it was reciprocal .

The most unexpected time is when he asked me to take a ride home in his car , we were both living near to each others so it was a nice favor but I enjoyed my aesthetic, taking the crowded subway while listening to music was a blessing. But I accepted since my parents hated whenever I was late and they knew him as a trustworthy person. The ride was sort boring so I tried to bring some topics which he responded in a cold way, so I stopped speaking, "can you please continue talking" he said in a gently but I didn't respond to anything I felt embarrassed but his astonishing words interrupted our silent "don't you notice it's a couple season" I responded by the positive and he approached me and said "have you ever kissed somebody" I felt a mix between anger and confusion, "I should take it as a yes" he came closer and kissed my lips , my only reaction was "what was it for?" he said "experience", all I felt was anger and I tried to punch him but I couldn't I m weak I m only a girl , that's the consequences of my stupid actions , I should have been selfish for once, the more he was with me the more I felt scared , what if he raped me , what am I to him...? It can't be for experience there is a lot of girls who found him attractive. He told me "I wanted to share my first kiss with someone special as you but don't take it romantically , I don't like you or anything but I just feel guilty for what I did years ago to you" he smiled at me and I responded with calm but in reality I was raging "You were already forgiven, I shouldn't have been judging your feelings", "I m glad you are feeling that way" ,as we arrived to my house I left the car with a silent thanks. I felt traumatized that night thinking myself I m a whore , my first kiss was supposed to be with my future husband , not a fake worthless dude, I truly regret not following my intuition this day, I was worried about everything

The next day I went to school tired with eye bags and puffy eyes, truly ashamed of myself .All I needed is to vent, vent to my trio but I was scared , what if they told him... as I was sitting with them they noticed how silent I was and my physical condition, they were worried and asking me what happened, I stayed silent but I felt secure with them so I told them everything. They were both shocked and the girl started hugging me which was not something usual for her, "he basically assaulted you and it was never your fault" she said, "hey don't feel guilty you are not wrong" the guy said and stood up "I will kill him" I calmed him me and his girlfriend and we started laughing, "you two will make great parents" I said and smiled, they both blushed and were speechless, they pated my head and we hang out a little bit this day, I felt happy and my emptiness was calming. Happiness is temporary but emptiness is forever lasting.

December year 4: I think I m admitting my loneliness , but less than before, now I m ending the year with my friends and it feels much better , sometimes just seeing them having their couple moment made me feel jealous , sometimes they gave me comfort, after all I m not depending my life on love .

To end this year we decided to have a special vacation, go to the mountains, I was having some savings from my part time job as a worker in a bookstore, we booked two rooms : one for me and the girl and one for the guy, whenever I go to a destination all I do is taking pictures while the couple were enjoying their time together. But the emptiness was getting worse and this time I didn't know why , maybe because of my fears toward that asshole, I felt anxious and thought that my friends could betray , I truly regret being with them cause I don't deserve to be happy, I deserve to be a loner and sad each times, or maybe I m just overthinking.

It was perfectly the best end of the year.

January year 5; starting this year in a stressful way, I m having finals and I m trying my best to pass them. All I needed was comfort, things I can't get since both of them have their final season. I needed someone a warm hug; I spent most of my days in the library which was a usual thing for me even without exams. I was there for reading some books but now I m revising, seems like everybody wants to be friends with each others and as a member of the society I accept. I made new friends from my colleagues but that doesn't mean I will leave my silly parents (I mean my trio).