Winter Emptiness

Chapter 2 : Change and peace

October year 2: I finally changed but somehow the painful feeling was getting worse , I tried everything to make things better but nothing seems to work, I changed school, cut my hair and did everything to work on myself but nothing worked , also I made good friends in my new school it's a blessing but still alone.

One time my philosophy teacher asked me why I was so alone in front of the whole class, I felt so embarrassed that time which made me hate that teacher for moment but it was for my good, I was isolating myself those days so I must do something.

The only guy I liked hated me but I had to accept it admitting I was probably the one wrong and not having such a selfish behaviour.

I'm having a bestfriend she is my everything and probably the way I m feeling less that pain but I felt something was wrong with her.

November year 2: Achieving is the best adjective to name this month, I m the top student in my whole class and everyone was proud of me , I felt less having that pain.

But my friendship with that bestfriend was getting worse she became more than before and it was painful. Seeing how people leave you.

But one time I had my guts and decided to talk to that one girl I admired, I feel like this girl is a good person.

December year 2: ending of the year again with the same unknown pain , a fear was developed by a nightmare where I saw myself dying the 12/12 , the only thing special about that day is I learned something in my living , understanding eachothers feelings which made blame myself for hating the guy I liked a year ago, we are still friends but distance took our path.

Hating myself even more but not a single suicidal thought, that's something to be proud about.

January year 3: happy new year again, starting the year by meeting a guy , charming and sweet dude I was grateful for him , my friendship were getting better but the same inner pain.

I lost that one bestfriend but I felt happier.

One of the most memorable day of my life, that day I've got my report cards and it was shocking, seeing only As and being the first in most of the subjects made my achievement spirit fulfilled, that day was also special in another way even if that bestfriend betrayed me I was invited to my cousin's weeding, something unusual cause the last time I went to a wedding I was 8 years old, that night I felt bored and I saw his texts, he was going on a trip so we spent the night talking to each others and he told me how much I m special to him and wished that I was going with. Falling in love right. But in the beginning of the year I promised myself not to fall in love cause it was a distraction.

February year 3: the only thing I concluded about this month is that I never belonged to a special group, my extroversion was the reason behind it and a feeling of not belonging enough surrounded me, making me feel try to be alone to train myself because I knew one thing , my fate is to be alone .

A memorable discussion I had this month was with a stranger, he is an old man , I was going to my special classes and this old man stopped me with a smiling face to tie my shoes which is not a usual thing for an old man (that was the perception I made of old people) , I don't hate old people but a week ago I was late and an old lady started yelling at me for accidentally touching her back even if I apologized, hearing her calling me "not well behaved" "your parents didn't raised you well" "mean" made me hate old people. But something was special about that old man , he wished me a good luck for my studies and gave me some pieces of advices which made smile and continuing talking to that old man, suddenly I saw my friend staring at me while I was talking to him, I didn't feel ashamed or embarrassed but it was good talking to that man.

Somehow I ended up by talking to that guy I used to like but it felt like it's not the same as it was. Feelings ruined everything and he was too good to be my boyfriend , I remember that I lost one of my dearest friends because of him , it wasn't an obsession but more like someone that could understand me, happiness is temporary but that pain is inner . I regret falling in love with him cause he was such a good friend I lost because of seeking attention and affection. Love is something I never truly experienced even if I used to date my ex boyfriend but it didn't last because of my fears. Love isn't made for me and I regret falling in love with the charming guy.