October year 3: Months passed and a lot happened, as someone who hates Summer I sort of enjoy it even if it has a bad beginning, the only memorable things in that summer were my sudden maturity were my whole perception of life changed , it's normal for a teenager , it all started when I was sitting with my family and I felt a weird anger inside "why should I depend my living on loving someone" "feelings never lasts" at that moment I was moving on from the charming guy and that step was hard. The second memorable thing was my date with my ex boyfriend, it was a friendly hangout where we discussed about life and we vent to each others, I learned two things while talking to him . The mysterious pain in my heart called emptiness and it was all by realizing his case "We try to distract ourselves to not seem empty but at the end we are", "You try to reduce your emptiness but it's getting worst", when I said those words he smiled at me and he said "finally someone seeing reality in this world" ,I couldn't help but blush to his words not because I loved him but I felt like a new path was opening to me, and about him he means a lot to me I care a lot about him.
As I was watching a movie named Detachment there was a quote that inspired me: "We all need something to distract us from complexity and reality".
But let's get in the moment from my past experiences I can't deny how much I hate October, suffering is the only way to describe this month. The emptiness is getting worse . In this month I've got an infatuation to escape this emptiness because at the end of the day all I needed was a distraction. It was a flirty friendship but I didn't got too much affectionate, what worse in falling in love is moving on.
As I was making breakfast for myself , I noticed soluble coffee in the showcase , and since we have a teapot I said why not trying to make coffee for myself milk taste is so boring, I searched in YouTube how to make coffee in a teapot and I made it , took a toast with honey and starts sipping from this cup of coffee , words cannot describe how much it was so good , it felt like heaven and from that day I developed a coffee addiction.
Despite the sudden realization of love , I m still depending my living on loving someone , after all I m just a teenager I haven't graduate yet I can't give a certain meaning to love but one thing I know is that the meaning of friendship is way more confusing than the meaning of love.
November year 3 : a new month just started by a huge feeling of detaching myself from my friends, as an extrovert it's hard to take a break from everything, I want to take care of myself and I felt like everyone was leaving me, a weird paranoia and a feeling of being worthless . Is it worth killing myself for people? All I felt was empty. At the end I concluded that the most important thing in our living is acceptance, accept your fate or kill yourself , we can't fix people.
Guilt was tripping over me all I wanted is to apologize but it's useless, once a perception is made it can only change by the worse. I did and I deserve the consequences of falling in love with the wrong guy, I can admit he became even more handsome right now , love has different aspects and the way I loved him was a mix between a platonic and obsession because the reason was my emptiness I didn't know how to behave since I didn't even recognize what is it, one of the most aspiring quotes I've ever heard is "when you fall in love with someone for the second time, you fall in love with the memories not the person", I can't love someone the same way as I did but one of the best love experience I've ever had was probably my first love I was 10 years old at that time and I wanted to change myself that was my first time thinking like that and I was sitting next to a guy (the teacher was sitting us) and he was sweet and I loved his smile. I loved how smart and helpful , the innocent and pure love , I was scared to confess because I knew love was for people who are mature and old enough. That first love defined my future love experiences.
In this month I felt blind and I couldn't see who am I surrounded by cause all I could see was fake people and phonies. Trying to fix this attachment and worries I decided to go with "superficial friendships" a sort of beneficial friendships and I know it won't work. It feels like "I bet on losing dogs"- Mitski, which means I know things won't work but I still do, my mom raised me that way, to not make so much friends because I will be hurt and somehow I blamed her for that since it's not the best way to raise an extrovert.
December year 3: End of the year isn't it, in this month I made an important decision to prove and show myself. I will be an accountant and not a psychologist anymore, human being is complicated and all I wish is to speak, and I m a math genius especially this job is so much profitable I could easily live alone by myself which is a dream for me but for that I have to join my dream college and it's very easy I'm already a top student but there was a quote of Radiohead that made doubts about my choice: «The Numbers don't decide, your system is a lie" .Giving up on my teenage dream feels like cheating for me cause I gave so much of determination for something I would give up easily and as I said earlier "Feelings don't last forever", feeling new and I realized that a good friend circle is worth more than any lover.
We live in a world where people hate hearing the truth cause it's painful, as a straightforward person I often take it as a issue that I need to heal. Somehow I think it's worthless to care about people but we live in a society where you need accept things or else you will be a "betray" or "indifferent", you can't escape the society.
People will kill you.
My passion for anime and manga ended a year ago, but a manga has caught my attention , "the teacher's white lie", besides the story what has excited me what the first page " If humans are split into two groups ,there is always one side that taking more of the share than the other ,that's how I always felt" , the idea of humans being equal is a lie, but I don't fully agree, it depends on the perception of things, if it's in morals then yes it's a lie, as for fate we all going to have one ending : the death.
January year 4: the beginning of the most critical year of my life, the year of my graduation from high school, me turning 18 , and university, each actions has their consequences so I must be careful, I have to truly prove myself , I probably should stop overthinking for my good.
Suddenly having flashbacks of what happened 2 years ago , even if I don't depend my living on loving someone, yet we can't deny that my emptiness is forever lasting but it feels much better. My emptiness is confusing me, and I accept my fate.
In my environment I was known for being the "philosophy nerd*, hearing people telling me "you philosophise too much" made me feel happy , my passion for philosophy was forever lasting same as my emptiness.
YOU ARE READING
Winter Emptiness
Romancea girl trying to find a meaning to her emptiness thinking she is a loner.
