Winter Emptiness

Chapter 1: Innocence and beginning of a pain

October year 1: Winter was coming this year, prompting a need for personal change, a change that could impact me. As a typical teenager, my only desire was for love and happiness, I focus for my passion which is watching anime than my actual academics .I started learning more about mental health since I want to be a psychologist only to find out a potential of me having ADHD.

One day a pivotal moment occurred me in my first session in the philosophy class , the teacher asked us for the meaning of philosophy but his silence left me intrigued this ambiguity made me love philosophy.

But something was in my heart, an unknown pain I couldn't understand why but I could just cry and think why me but I don't mind after all everything can be healed.

December year 1: it's the end of the year finally, I have 2 friends even if I consider everyone as a friend , and I was liking that one guy, sweet guy and I wished to meet him so we did hang out often in the end of the year I called that a date even if I didn't know that feeling was mutual, he told me I m pretty that day and I couldn't get out of my head, he knows that I love him but I don't know about him. Being with him made that pain sort of disappear.

January year 2: Happy new year, what a wonderful way to try to kill myself, 10th January a day to remember, the pain was killing me and the only thing that could stop it is ending myself, feeling worthless, feeling like a failure ,ignorance...and it wasn't my first time , suddenly I got caught by my parents, they ignored me the first days. The next day I was having a presentation but I couldn't go the huge pain in my heart stopped me from everything I couldn't even see my phone that day, the next day I went to school cause I had to all I was doing is crying the whole day but I had to stop, people will know and I m a straightforward person so I better shut up, painful isn't it , not even a friend to vent feeling alone was something regular for me, my only solution was to change but how the how made me hate myself even more, I thought going to the therapist could make things better but it was useless , realizing how selfish a psychologist is made me wanting to be psychologist more. Days later my mom begged me to use social medias and not isolating myself , when I opened my phone I found his texts worrying about me, feeling wanted and having all the affection and attention, that's what I needed I told him everything and it was relieving me everything. Maybe he is the one, we went on our dates after a week and it felt good having him in my living he promised me to study with me next year in the same highschool and it made me feel excited.

February year 2: life is getting better since ,passing time with friends but that feeling of pain was still in , I need to change , remember the first time you said that you were 10 now you are 15, 5 years you are saying this.

The first time I went to therapy I had to skip a class, somehow the teacher has explained something important that was hard to understand and I went to ask her to explain me that part, she denied and I begged her but she didn't wanted, I told her about why I didn't came her reaction was: I don't care. I never felt hate for someone until I hated that teacher.

I also remember the day when our history and geography teacher asked us "why are you living" and as an honest person I told him "I want happiness" his response was sort of pathetic "you will always be miserable", I thought he was joking with me but at the end he is right.

One of the worst day of my living was probably my last date with him, I was curious and I asked him if he liked me , he responded by the negative, I felt so idiot for not expecting the bad consequence of my question I started crying but he patted me he apologized for not liking me which made me hate him.