𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐈𝐆𝐀𝐍² , 𝗧𝗦𝗜𝗧𝗣.

love affair, 1

"wake up. rose, wake up." i heard my mother's distraught voice before my moms opened and a pain shot up in my forehead. i sat up, pulling the blanket to cover my chest. i was too lazy to tie my shirt up. 

"you're here," i whispered.

"of course, i am. don't you remember? you call- begged me last night to come and you didn't pick up once when i called you back. i was worried sick, rosalyn!" she scolded.

"i'm sorry, i fell asleep." i said, quietly, my throat burning. she only scoffed.

"get up, we're leaving." she said.

"what?" i asked. what did i expect? that superheroine mom will get the house back?

"no-" she cuts me off before i deny more.

"i have already put up with belly's tantrum and i don't want to raise my hand on you too, so, get up," she said, strictly.

i won't deny and say that i wasn't scared because i was. i slowly stood up, cursing myself for not even removing the boots when i slept. i tied my shirt and ran a hand through my hair while she picked up my stuff.

"so, this is it?" i asked, turning around to look at her. "we go back home, beach house long forgotten and never contact the fishers again?" i asked.

"rosalyn." she warned.

"no, no, i want to know. you won't fight for this house? you wont fight for suzie's house?" i asked.

suzie was my nickname for susannah, as a toddler saying her name was difficult for me so i stuck with suzie. in many videos of me in summer as a child has me calling for susannah by 'suzie'. a hint of recognition passes in my mom's eyes when i say the nickname.

"i can't stand you using her name as an excuse," she said. i feel hurt knowing that she thinks of it that way.

"you can't stand me at all anymore! it's been more than a month since the funeral and you can't even look me in the eye and talk about her!" i exclaimed.

"after what you did at her funeral?" she asked.

"i know i messed up, okay? i know i did. and i hate myself for it!" i exclaimed. she shook her head and turned away.

"nothing can happen now. we're leaving," she said.

"you were her best friend! you were her sister! you two had been there for each other through the worst and the best. maybe suzie didn't warn us about this happening because she knew that her soul sister will fix it! fix everything!" i exclaimed, she turned and stared at me. her breath quivering.

"you know that you wouldn't even have attended that event if susannah hadn't pressured you to write your book. all of us know, that susannah's suffering wouldn't have gone so peacefully if you weren't there with her," i said. she doesn't say anything, i walk out, my steps faltering when i see the brothers standing by their bedroom door.

they hadn't changed out of their clothes, either.

i walked downstairs. i walked to the beach, my arms crossed when i saw belly sitting by the water alone. i walked closer and slowly settled down next to her.

she links her arm with mine without looking at me as we both stare at the waves.

"will she stay?" she asked.

"i don't know." i quietly said. we went quiet.

"she's mad at us for last night, and for lying," she said. i only hummed and responded. she rested her head on my shoulder and i rested mine on top of hers as we both stared at the waves.

-

"can we talk?" mom asked, when belly and i returned from the beach. i nodded, belly stayed silent. we sat down on the steps with mom in between us.

"belly, i'm sorry. so sorry. i shouldn't have hit you," she said, her voice quiet. almost in a shaky whisper.

"you never did that before." belly said, tears gathering in her eyes.

"everything you said before, rose. you were right. i have been angry. i've been so fucking angry at how unfair it is that beck's not here anymore." she sniffled. "but i didn't let myself feel it. because if i let it out.."

"then all the other stuff will come up, too," i said, a tear falling from my eye as i turned to look at her, tears in my mom's red eyes as well.

"i thought i was doing the right thing... being strong for you guys." she said as i looked back in front of me. she inhaled and exhaled, shakily.

"but i was wrong. i should've been there for you three." she said. "or let somebody be there for me."

"do you forgive me?" i asked, quietly after a while of silence as i looked at her.

"yes." she said, all three of us sniffled shakily as tears ran down our faces. "do you two forgive me?" she asked. we nodded, quickly almost like little children. she hugged us as we cried.

"i miss her. i miss her so much." i cried.

"i do too, hunny." mom said, silently crying.

"it just doesn't feel the same without her." belly whispered.

"i know." mom said. we pulled away, sitting close as she higged our foreheads and fixed my hair as we silently cried.

it reminded me of the time we found out that susannah's cancer was back. it felt peaceful being together, crying, because i knew that somebody was understanding my pain.