𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐈𝐆𝐀𝐍² , 𝗧𝗦𝗜𝗧𝗣.

𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐭, 4

i walk back in the crowd, forgetting my drink when belly and taylor stops me.

"hey, rose, check this out." steven said and then jabbed in a can making the drink fall on me like a fountain. he laughs and lowers the can.

"i can believe you just did that." taylor said, because the drink got on her aswell.

"this party sucks." i said.

"dude, it's beer, man. it'll dry, chill." he said.

"i'm leaving." i said.

"did something happened?" belly asked.

yes. alot happened. susannah died and i can't seem to let it go and be normal like everyone else. the person i loved my whole life broke up with me because i saw his head resting on his ex girlfriend's lap and i told him to go to hell at his mom's funeral.

"can you just get spike to drive you home?" i asked, steven.

"spike? no, spike is drunk. you promised to be my sober ride tonight. belly doesn't have a licence yet." steven said.

"well, i'm ready to go now." i said.

"well, i'm not." he argued.

"great. then just call me an uber or something?" i asked, getting annoyed.

"why are you being such a buzzkill right now?" steven asked.

"oh, i'm sorry, am i ruining your fun night, mr. perfect valedictorian?" i asked, sarcastically.

"kinda, yeah." steven said.

"okay, well, in case you forgot, which it clearly seems like you did, susannah just died and i'm sad. alot sad. miserable sad, steven. but please, don't let that stop you from having the time of your life." i said, bitterly, everything around me seeming to go blurry and dizzy.

"fuck you." steven said.

"you know, i lost susannah too. belly did aswell! okay? you don't think i'm sad about that?" steven asked.

"oh, what, were you crowd-surfing the pain away? my apologies!" i said, sarcastically.

"no, you should apologise. you screwed up, and now everything is wierd with conrad and jeremiah. i mean, they wouldn't even text me back because of you!" steven pointed, exclaiming.

"okay, guys.." taylor stood up, trying to break us up.

"that was not my fault!" i exclaimed.

"isn't it!? hmm?" he asked.

"i should be celebrating with them tonight but they wouldn't come because you made things messy. belly had jeremiah which was fine for to me. but then you had to have conrad too." steven scoffed.

"god, you are so fucking selfish." steven said, and i slightly flinch.

"steven!" belly exclaimed.

"what?" steven asked, annoyedly.

"are you serious?" taylor asked.

"i had to have conrad? are you kidding?! i was in love, steven! like out of my mind in love! crazily, stupidly, deeply in love!" i yelled.

"what was i supposed to do?!" i asked.

"you're right, steven. i ruin friendships, i ruin relationships, i ruin summer, i ruin parties, and i ruin funerals." i said.

"rose.." he said, but i walked away.

"rose. he's drunk don't mind him." belly said, following after me.

"no, he's right. i made things awkward by sleeping with conrad and then dating him and then. i ruined susannah's funeral and- everything got worse." i held my mouth to my mouth, stopping my sobs.

"you didn't ruin anything." belly said.

"yes, i did. i ruined my relationship with conrad and yours with jeremiah." i said and try to leave.

"i promise you, you didn't ruin my and-" belly said but i stop her.

"no, no, no, stop. nothing is promised! stop with the fake promises!" i exclaimed on the verge of crying.

i leave and get in the car driving home while crying on the way. i slam the door shut and run to the stairs, seeing the unopened pizza box.

"hey, you're early, how was the party?" mom asked.

"fucking great." i said, sarcastically and then stopped walking.

"i'm sorry.." i quietly said, turning around and seeing her sad face.

"i'm so sorry." i sobbed, bring my hand to my mouth, as i walk towards her.

"everything feels so miserable and i hate it." i sob as she pulls me in her arms.

"i miss her. i miss her so much." i sobbed in her chest.

"and i hate that i ruined everything. i ruined everyone! i miss her and i miss him." i sobbed as she careesed my head and then i fell asleep after crying in her arms.

-

"conrad."

"happy almost halloween."

"you-you are here? what are you doing here? i-i mean i- it's so unexpected." i said, shockedly and then chuckled as i step out of the house and into his arms.

"i'm not supposed to be here but i am." he said, looking down at me.

"i bought candy." he smiled and i took it from his hands, chuckling.

"rose, i don't think i can ever get over you." he whispered.

"good. i'm not letting go of you now, conrad fisher." i said, smiling.

i go on my tiptoes and kiss him, like it was the last time. it was months since i last got to do this.

-

i was laying in bed after waking up after the party. i was scrolling on my phone, looking of pictures of me and conrad. i swipe and see the traditional kids family where we all stand and take a picture and susannah frames it. i took a picture of that frame.

i was standing between jeremiah and conrad with belly on jeremiah's other side and steven on conrad's other side. i was looking up at conrad who was staring at the camera, both of us smiling happily.

i sigh sadly and swipe when i get a phone call. i sit up in an instance as if a electricity bolt ran through me when i see it's jeremiah.

"hi, jere, i.. didn't expect you to call." i said.

"is conrad with you?" he asked.

"no, why would i be with conrad?" i asked.

"i just thought he'll..."

"jere, what's going on?" i asked.

"conrad's gone." he said. "he's not answering my texts or picking up my calls."

"since when?" i asked.

"since yesterday." he sighed.

"maybe he's pulling an all nighter at the library." i said "it's the middle of finals."

"no, he told his roommate everything is fucked and took off." jeremiah said. "i'm going to brown in the morning, i'll see if i can track him down."

i can't have susannah back. but i can't let go off connie and jere.

"i'm coming with you."