𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐈𝐆𝐀𝐍² , 𝗧𝗦𝗜𝗧𝗣.

𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐤, 4

"there's a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens."

i feel like i never got to spend time with susannah. i feel like i never really got to know her all these years of my life. she was silently suffering and i didn't know. no one knew except for conrad and mom.

i wish i had known. so maybe i would've cherished every moment that related to her. maybe it made susannah happy to see me be a debutante. i'm happy that i agreed to be a debutante because i fulfilled her wish of seeing me in a white dress.

mom told me that after we found out about her cancer coming back. she told me that i made susannah proud and happy for agreeing to be a debutante. because she got to see me in a white dress. and mom told me when conrad and i danced together and kissed susannah felt as if we were in the future on our wedding day.

mom said susannah felt that she was watching us get married and have our first dance. susannnah felt as if she finally got to see what she always wanted to see but never will.

i stare at her picture and even from the picture, i could feel her lively and cheerful nature. i played with my pearl necklace as i stared at the back of conrad's head, seeing his expressionless yet tired face.

she broke her promise.

i wasn't crying. i felt like my tears had finished when i was sobbing for 3 hours straight in my bedroom. we watched conrad stand up and go to the stage as he picked up a guitar.

"this was the song that she always asked me to play for her." conrad said.

he sang the song and played the guitar, as tears started building up in my eyes as i stared at the coffin. his eyes went to me as tears ran down my face. his voice broke and he excused himself. the song finished and i looked down, wiping my tears while and bringing my tissue to my nose.

his eyes went to me again as i looked up. i decided that even if we were over, i'll stay with him because he would need me.

the house was filled with people. sharing sympathy, some crying but they didn't know susannah like we did.

belly excused herself saying that she wanted to be there for jeremiah and then steven excused, after resting a hand on my back.

i looked around, and saw the buffet table. i know conrad wouldn't have eaten anything. as i was taking out food, mom came.

"the dress is too short for you and too stylish. didn't you have any other black dress?" she asked, her voice low.

"no, mom. just this." i quietly said.

"you should've came to me. i would've given you something." she said.

"this was susannah's favourite." i said, after being quiet. "i wore it for her."

she left, talking to the guests. and i grabbed the plate when adam came to me asking how i was holding up.

"okay" i just said. lying.

"have you seen conrad?" i asked.

"yeah. i think, i saw him go to the rec room." adam said and i nodded. i went upstairs, a little bit scared.

i reached the rec room and my small smile fell as i saw conrad resting his head on audrey's lap. his ex aubrey's lap.

"oh, hey." aubrey said, looking at me. "that for us?" she asked and conrad looked at me.

i didn't know what i was feeling. heartbroken? sad? mad? or maybe all of the above. it felt so intimate. i felt like a thridwheel. his head on his lap as she softly played with his hair. so intimate.

i gave her a small fake smile and kept the plate on the table.

"thanks." she said with a slightly annoyed look as conrad sat up. i slowly nodded, backing away as my back hit the door frame and then i turned around, walking away.

"rose, wait." conrad called out but i ignored him and quickly walked down the stairs. he gripped my arm as we stepped down the staircase.

"let go of me." i said, removing his grip from my arm. i stared at him, annoyedly as he looked around us and upstairs.

"rose, that was just aubrey." he said.

just aubrey? just aubrey!?

"sorry to interrupt your moment." i said, bitterly but my voice wavered in the end and i looked away.

"she was helping me." he said.

like i couldn't? how could he go to her for help and not me. i know him better than anyone else. yes, i was jealous. but i also felt so heartbroken because he thought i couldn't help him.

"so you can accept her help but not mine?" i asked. "got it. glad to know where i fall in the ranking of ex girlfriend's." i said and that is even if he consider me an ex girlfriend and not a poor girl who had a crush on him.

"grow up." he said, getting mad.

"go to hell!" i exclaimed.

oh no. i just said that to a person who lost his mom. i am such a fucking bitch. nothing can recover this. oh fuck.

"i should've known you'd be like this." he said.

"what do you mean?" i asked, annoyedly, stepping close.

"forget it." he said.

"no, say it. tell me." i said.

"i knew it was a bad idea starting something with you." and that was the last straw. my heart shattered into billions of shards because he regretted being with me.

"i... don't believe you." i shook my head.

please, please, please, refuse it. please say that you didn't mean it. please, please, conrad.

"it was a huge mistake." he said.

"i hate you." in that moment, i wanted to hurt him. my ego got the best of me that a part of me didn't care his mom died.

i wanted to hurt him even if it meant to lie but i doubt that me telling him that i hated him would hurt him even a 1%.

"good." he said, nonchalantly as the tears came back.

"i never want to see you again." i said, shakily. i walked past him bumping into him and falling on my knees. he quickly helped me up but i pushed him away and i turned, seeing my mom looking at me and i saw the oh so familiar disappointment.

i looked at her with tears in my eyes, and then she looked away, turning to the woman beside her. everyone was looking at me. judging and disappointing looks. shared whispers of how much of a bitch i was.

i opened the door and walked out, running away.