Fucking feelings
Stupid fucking feelings.
They urged my friend to go confess to her crush. She did it. She went to him with her blushed cheeks and all the courage she could gather and told him. She already had a picture of them both holding hands which made her smile a bit more than she already was.
He gave her a chocolate in return. Cute, I know.
When she told all this to me, a wave of emotions struck me. Shock, excitement, confusion, pride, fear and what not. All because of the feelings I had for my bestest friend. She understood me better than anyone and I only wanted the best for her as well.
I walked up to him hoping to hear affirmative comments. I still remember the way his face changed the expression when I questioned him. The way he went from the jolly guy to an emotionally wounded kid who didn't want somebody else to go through what he already did.
I lost count of the times he said "I'm sorry" and "Is she okay" and "I can't do this". It annoyed me a little because why wouldn't he date my best friend? She's perfect.
When I reported to her with all the info I had from the talk between me and him, I saw regret in her eyes. She regretted telling him. She regretted putting him under pressure.
I tried my best to comfort her which was something she didn't actually require at that time. She needed some space to process whatever that had happened. She needed time to contemplate her actions.
It did all of us good to go back to our homes.
A few hours later she texted me. She said they had a nice conversation. They talked about school and anime. I was happy. For her. A small ray of hope sparked in me. She said he asked for some time to think it over and I thought he'll maybe agree.
The next day, I got a text from her. "He said no." It killed me to not be by her side at that moment. To not be able to give her a hug of comfort.
In the evening, he texted me. "Hey, Is she okay?" I glitched for a moment. Then I thought from his point of view. Although we both had never talked that much before, I wanted him to tell me how he feels.
As I had asked, he told me everything that was on his mind.
He couldn't say yes just because a girl had confessed first. He couldn't say yes just because he liked the idea of dating someone.
He rejected her.
Because he was well convinced that he isn't worthy of any love. Because he knew he couldn't give the love he never received in his life.
Because he knew it was easier for him to stress over his grades and school.
Because he knew focusing on his future is a better decision.
Because he knew, if he agreed, he would only end up hurting her and him more.
He had to reject her.
When he texted me, I saw right through him. I saw how he blamed himself, how he thought he was a bad person.
I saw his need to text me to make sure she's alright. He indeed is a gentleman. I told him it wasn't his fault and what he decided was probably the best for both of them. He was the bigger person here.
Like a good best friend would do, I told all of this to her. "I'll get over it" is what she said but I know how hard that is.
To get over a person is like graduating to the next class. Nobody likes the exam but everyone likes the promotion.
Nobody likes the process of getting over someone because it hurts so much more than the break up but everyone is proud of themselves when they've moved on.
She said she'll be fine and I know she would but I'm afraid of the thoughts that creep up in her mind, the ones she doesn't talk to me about. I'm afraid that to her, moving on means getting used to the pain.
This whole chapter occurred in a span of three days but it taught a good lesson. To her, to him and to me as well.
Yeah, I know.
It was just a crush.
But damn, these stupid feelings!
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It really helps and motivates me.
Also tysm for reading this <3
You guys are the bestest!
