Letters To Ash [5sos Mashton AU] (boyxboy)

Final

Dear Ashton Irwin,
So, everyone tells me that you're dead. They also tell me that it was because of me that you're dead. I'm sorry. I'm sure you were a great guy. Such a great guy, that I had to go to the extent of making up a whole world inside my head where you were still alive.
My mum showed me all the letters I wrote to you.
You know, it's actually kind of funny. Not the laughing, happy type of funny, but the upsetting and confusing type. I woke up in that hospital, not knowing where the hell I was, and then I saw my mum, and I felt a wave of relief, of safety. But then she told me about you, and I felt empty.
Alone.
Even though I can't remember you, or any of the times we spent together, I know that you were special.
It would be nice to.... to remember you. It would be nice to remember why you made me so happy, why you meant the world to me. Because judging by the emotion in all the letters I wrote to you, it seems as though you were all that I was concerned about.
The thought of you "coming home" helped me to survive through the darkest of times. And I just want to say thank you for that, even if you're not here, and even though I can't remember you... it only feels right to thank you.
I'm sure the old Michael... the old me missed you a hell of a lot. To be honest, I think he loved you.
Love.
It's such a strong word, yet so feared. Though, I suppose it's not the saying it that people are worried about, is it? They're more worried about the response.
It's a toss up between rejection or expectation.
So different, yet so alike. And even so, rejection seems to overpower everything.
I just hope that one day I'll get my memory back, so that I can remember.
And then I'll come home to you.