Promise » [cashton] √

5.0

[26th of March]

Calum

They'd talked, slept, talked, ate, slept, talked. But there were no more tears, not even the relieved kind, and Ashton was almost entirely like himself again, except the embarrassment. The blushing and the averted eyes as he confessed things Calum could tell he never thought he'd let pass his lips.

And despite all the talking they had to do, Calum felt so much better already. Ashton had called sick to an interview he was supposed to go to and Sierra wasn't impressed but even Calum had to admit it was probably for the best. He was off, and they'd read it easily in an interview.

Ashton's head was on his chest, ear resting over Calum's heart as they watched something easy on TV. Calum's fingers carding through Ashton's now much too long hair.

"You can tell me if I'm overstepping, but-," he paused seemingly trying to weigh up if he was, "but it really hurt when you left, I get why you did, don't get me wrong. But it- it didn't feel good that you could just leave what I thought was our home, so I wanted to ask you if- if you'd like to move in with me. I would love it if you considered this your home, or- if it's really important we can find a new home." He'd twisted his chin up to look at Calum.

Calum sighed, "this is my home," he promised, "I was hurt and angry, I honestly just didn't really think much about getting rid of it. Roy's hardly ever there either it's- it doesn't feel like a home it's just a place. When the lease comes up in a few months I won't renew it,"

Ashton's nose was nudging his chest, "that sounds good," he hummed, "we should do up one of the spare rooms to be your office, you can edit in there and store your equipment," he offered and there was a hopefulness in his voice.

He thought about it, that certainly would make it feel a lot more like home. "When we have a few free days we could move some stuff over, maybe ask Michael to help,"

Feeling Ashton exhale into his shirt, "sounds good," he hummed.

They were quiet, this is how they'd been talking all day. Pottering around the house doing things quietly together and then one would bring up a grievance and the other would respond. They'd been growing in importance throughout the day and Calum thought now might be the time to say it.

"I don't wanna have sex," it tumbled out, he'd meant to be more specific and say why but his nerves had gotten the better of him.

"Ever?" Ashton asked, and Calum could feel he had tensed but he didn't shift.

Calum responded more thoughtfully, "what if I said yes? What if I said I never thought I wanted to have sex again?" his heart was rattling in his chest.

He felt Ashton take a big deep breath in, and out, "I'd make it work, 22 years without sex, why not start fresh and aim for 66," he was joking but he didn't laugh.

"You're only going to live to 88?" Calum asked smiling.

"I don't wanna live too long,"

Calum chuckled, paused and then spoke, "I just don't think we should have sex for at least a few months, not until you're settled with your doctor, and maybe she'll say wait more or less, I don't know,"

The thing about recommending your partner see a psychologist is that they might want to change things you're not willing to change. That scared Calum, he'd tried his best, but clearly there was something much more than nerves at play when it came to Ashton and sex.

Ashton didn't reply right away, twisting so he could look up at Calum, "what if-" he started but choked around tears, "what if she can't fix me? What if I'm just like this forever? I don't wanna miss out on this stuff, I like being with you like that, I don't wanna hallucinate talking to God every time I want to... be intimate with you,"

Calum considered what Ashton had said, "have you ever... heard him before?" It felt like such a dangerous thing to ask.

"I prayed to him, after you... ah after I fingered you, because, the reason I couldn't, didn't want to do it again was," his cheeks were bright red, and his face twisted away from Calum's again. "I kept getting the urge to put my dick in you... So I prayed to God that night and asked him for a sign that I should make love to you," he paused, "but I didn't hear him say anything. I waited and then you said you loved me and Father Cooper talked about love and I thought that was my sign from Him." He faltered, "that was my sign from Him," he corrected, "but all of this stupid other stuff got in the road, Father Cooper and my mum, they just- they got all their stuff on- in my head. It ruined something that was meant to be- to be perfect," the tears were coating his cheeks.

Calum wanted to laugh, not because any of this was funny, but because Ashton was so sweet, "it was never gonna be perfect, baby," he said softly, kissing one of the younger man's salty cheeks. "This stuff never works out perfect, but we can aim for perfect next time and when it falls short we'll still be stupidly happy, I promise," Ashton was chuckling, wiping at his wet cheeks. "But seriously, we're just gonna have to try. If things- if we can't be like that for a long time, then we don't, it's not a race, we'll be fine."

Ashton buried his face in Calum's chest, clearly using his t-shirt to dry his tears. Then he lifted his head, gently bringing their lips together. "Is it crazy that I'm more nervous than ever about us, but I wanna marry you more than ever," he confessed, "I wanna hold you so tight you can't leave, that's insane right?"

He did laugh this time, "yeah that's insane, but I love you too, so I understand the urge,"

"Even though I'm insane?"

"Maybe even because you're insane, I'm not sure," another chuckle.

Predictions? Anything you think needs to happen? I'm heading to the US in about 12 days so I'm going to try and write some more before I go but that most likely won't happen. Then I'm away for 3 weeks so we'll see what happens! But things are coming to an end, for this fic and I have something Muke cooking.