Compilations of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness

Autophobia

I have what I thought I wanted
But I'm still in so much pain.
I don't understand it.
I should be better again.
I just want to cry
I feel like I'm breaking
But on the outside I'm smiling.
That's what's expected.
There's so much pressure
From the pain.
It sits on my chest.
It been this way for so long.
I don't remember what it was like
Before this.
I want to fade away.
No I don't.
Yes I do.
I want to run
Where it won't hurt me anymore.
What is it?
I don't even know.
Is it the way I eat
Myself alive over
All the stupid decisions
I make in my life?
Is it the disappointment
In their eyes?
Is it the way my heart
Is breaking all the time?
My mind shatters.
There's so much I don't understand.
I want to scream.
I want to SCREAM.
As loudly as I can.
I tear the skin
On my stomach instead.
Ugly scars and liquid red.
It's become so hard to let
Anyone in.
They won't love me if they know.
I must pretend to be okay.
Don't break
DON'T BREAK.
No matter what they
Have to think that
I'm okay.
Smile and laugh.
Get through this day.
Eyes open at night to keep
Nightmares at bay.
They haunt me
Every step of the way.
Maybe that's what it is.
It's me.
I am the one
Hurting me.
Now angry streaks will cross my skin. Distract from pain.
Don't let it in.
Please just let
Someone hold me.
This pain is excruciating
And it's too much to bear alone.
Time will not erase this
Quickly enough.
The love was too little
In comparison to this hurt.
I can't ignore this forever
Like I wish I could.
Let someone not leave me
Next time.
I'm terrified of being left behind.