Trust Issues

Chapter 2

I lay awake that night, listening to Jonah's breathing. Honestly, it was a miracle I could function during the day—either I slept fitfully due to nightmares, or I didn't sleep at all. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw that one image: Jonah, floating a few feet away from me, with a regretful look as he left, taking a piece of my shattered heart with him.

There was another reason for my insomnia, however: I couldn't stop thinking about Kailani. Even knowing what I knew now—he wanted to take her down just as much as I did—I still couldn't shake that nagging, persistent voice in my head. I couldn't help but think that maybe it had been a premonition. Did I deserve to be this happy?

Or was this all eventually going to crumble? Yes, Jonah and I had been through literal hell and back for us to realize our love for one another, but who was to say the image that had haunted me for weeks wouldn't come to pass? Or we'd face some other tragedy or catastrophe? I let out a tight breath, rolling onto my side. Our windows were closed, but I could still see the light from the moon shining down on the water.

After a few more minutes of lying there, during which I grew increasingly restless, I finally rose from the bed. Silently grabbing my cloak from the chair beside our bed, I quietly slipped out of the room. I'd intended to go into our sitting room and curl up on one of the couches, but that restlessness wouldn't abate. It was nearing or just past midnight, and thus everyone was asleep.

Or so I thought. I'd barely slipped out of our suite, closing the door silently behind me, when I realized I wasn't alone. Though the merman's back was to me, I recognized the tall, toned figure a few feet before me immediately. My heart pounded as I waited, making no move to approach him. If Drew needed or wanted to talk, he would come to me when he was ready. Indeed, when he spoke, I didn't so much as open my mouth.

"I still see it every single night," he said by way of greeting. "Regardless of how exhausted I am, that one image never fails to penetrate my nightmares." His voice broke on the last word, bringing tears to my eyes. When he finally turned around, my heart broke, shattering into pieces. He looked awful, like he hadn't slept in weeks.

His eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot like he'd been crying. Without a word, I swam into his open arms. I felt his chest hitch, the silent sob shudder through his body as his grip tightened on me. "I promised Carla I'd protect you. Seeing you motionless on the seafloor, not breathing..."

He trailed off, his chest rising and falling as he struggled to get his emotions under control. I clung to him, silent tears of my own leaking down my face. "I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice breaking. "I'm so sorry."

There was nothing I could say that would ease the ache in both our chests. It was a soul wound, one I knew would never fully heal. For a moment, after seeing my brave and strong older brother break down, I was overcome by waves of anger, grief, pain, and regret. 

I managed to turn away just before the tears began anew. "Faye?" I heard Drew's voice behind me, but it was muffled, drowned out by the pounding of my heart in my ears. I swam down the endless hallways until I reached the entryway. I could feel the eyes on me, their concerned and pitying glances, but I blocked them out.

I didn't want their pity or their concern. It wouldn't bring Carla or Ella back, so why bother? Nothing would. I might not have had many memories of my birth mother and older sister, but that didn't mean I missed them any less. Some days, the ache was so bad I could hardly breathe.

With Jacob, it had been different. Despite his numerous mistakes over the years, in the weeks leading up to his unfortunate death, I truly believed he'd been trying to atone for them. And the same went for us as a family.

He'd known that he couldn't have just settled back in with us like nothing had happened. And he hadn't—he'd been respectful and considerate, keeping his distance until we'd felt it was appropriate for him to come back until our lives again.

Even though years had passed since his death, his last words still occasionally surfaced in my head, bringing with them pain and grief. "'I know I haven't always been the best father, but I truly believe this is the only way for me to atone for my sins. And the only way I'll get to see Carla again.'"

I was sobbing through clenched teeth, my body trembling with barely-restrained anger. It hurt so bad I almost couldn't breathe. My heart tightened in pain as I remembered the memories haunting me and my brother. Neither I nor Drew harbored any ill will against Uncle Jay or his brother, despite the latter's role in both Carla and Ella's deaths.

As far as I knew, Drew had not been particularly close to Uncle Noah, despite our connection to the rest of his family. Jacob's death was like pouring salt on the already-open wound. We'd already suffered a heartbreaking tragedy with Carla and Ella—what could we have possibly done to deserve Jacob's death on top of that?

A maelstrom of emotions slammed into me with the force of a hurricane. Anger attacked grief; regret punched sadness; depression pummeled heartbreak. Coalescing into a ball and traveling from my stomach up my throat, it exploded out of my mouth in an ear-piercing, heartbreaking scream that ended in a broken sob.

My breaths were sharp and quick—too quick. I felt as if I couldn't get enough water into my lungs. I sank through the water, my tail brushing the seafloor. A soft hand on my back was the only indicator someone had swum behind me. My brother didn't have to say anything; his grief was palpable.

I squeezed my eyes shut, a ragged sob pushing past my lips. "It hurts, Drew," I wept, the pain unbearable. "It hurts so much."

I'd buried my face in my hands so that I couldn't see the open heartbreak and agony on his face. When he finally spoke, it was in a voice so broken, so hurt, I barely even recognized it. I don't think I was meant to have heard it, but I understood every word. The way he injected his grief and pain into every syllable broke my heart a little more.

"I wasn't strong enough."

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