New Emotions | Bokuakakuroken

17 : Distance pt. 1

TW : mental & physical abuse & Drug use / Addiction , please read only if comfortable!
Have a great day & make sure to take care of yourselves.

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At least twice a week, he would come home high from a different drug. Told me how he really felt about me and mom, do whatever he thought was needed in an attempt to fix those issues, and fall asleep in the living room. He became my version of a personal hell.
I don't know the exact time when he started using, but I could tell he was acting different in sixth grade. He came home later, and started acting harsher than ever. Before long, I saw some pills scattered around the couch. I never fully understood why he acted that way, until I personally asked him.

"Daddy, what's wrong with you?" I asked, my fingers fiddling with my shirt.
"The hell do you mean by that?"
"You've been acting different lately, and it's scaring me."

He looked up, staring into my eyes as his expression changed from tired to annoyed.

"Maybe daddy wouldn't be acting different if his family wasn't infecting his life. You do know how insufferable you can be, right?" He pushed his hair back, moving so he was sitting up on the couch.
"Have you ever genuinely thought about how much suffering you cause daddy just by existing?" Silence followed, and he popped another pile of pills into his mouth as he began his descent. "Answer me, Kuroo."

"You never thought about how annoyed daddy gets at your constant requests, blabbering noises, and pleas for attention? You're in sixth grade for gods sake! Grow the hell up! 'Daddy, come play with me! Daddy, I'm hungry. Are we having dinner soon? Daddy, help me with homework? Daddy, look at what I learned at volleyball today! Daddy, I'm lonely at school..' Day and night whining, just shut the fuck up for once!"
"I don't know anybody's child who still acts like this, because they grew up! Yet you're still the same inconsiderate, ungrateful little bitch from when you were younger!"

His voice got louder as he continued, while my feet were stuck in place. He must've been angrier than usual, since I'd never seen him so pissed off. He told me everything I do that ticks him off, relentlessly carving into my heart. I couldn't do anything, especially once I started to think he was right. Tears began to fall, and they sunk into the carpet as I cried.

"Are you seriously crying—? Toughen up already!" He was now standing, and roughly digging his nails into my shoulders. "Are you listening to me?!"
It hurts.
It hurts so bad.
"You worthless sack of shit! How do your friends enjoy being with someone like you?"
Please, stop it.
I wish I never asked.
"Stop fucking crying!" He dug deeper.
"It hurts— dad!"
"Good, you deserve it. It's your punishment for all these years of torture!"

"FUCKING STOP IT!"

I yelled out, and he looked at me with wide eyes, before scowling. He finally let go of my shoulders, which were starting to bleed. Taking his jacket, he put it on and after slipping on his shoes left without a word.

The tears never ceased. I regretted everything. He acts this way because of me. I should've never questioned him, I shouldn't have bothered him all those times before, I shouldn't have provoked him,
I shouldn't have existed in the first place.
The blood started to stain my shirt as I sat there immobilized.
..Eventually my mother came home, panicking as she quickly helped me clean my wounds.

"Oh god are you okay? Honey— I'm so sorry. I wish I was there, how do you feel? What did he tell you? Whatever it is, I promise it's not true. What is wrong with him..?"
As she cleaned my shoulder and asked all these questions, I could feel her hands shaking. I could tell she was on the verge of breaking down — keeping herself sane for my sake. Her shaky hands led up to my face, holding it as gently as possible.

"I love you, okay? I love you Kuroo. Nothing will change that. I promise, he loves you too." She pulled me into a tight hug, letting go of all her tears. She was barely holding herself together, but she couldn't. It sent relief down my spine as I cried again with her, that memory ingraining itself into my mind.

My dad didn't come back until the next day, which allowed me to get some greatly needed rest. I didn't say a word — I was scared of what would happen if I did. Surprisingly, he didn't say anything to me either. Yet his drug problem still persisted, and he continued to verbally berate me on a daily basis two days later.

I never did anything to him, since I was too scared. I heard his comments but I ignored them the best I could. It still hurt, but it got easier to ignore as I grew older. My mom took more frequent trips to her parents house, although whenever she got back she would praise me to no end. I understand wanting to get away, but I wish she didn't leave me with him every single time.

...

"Everyday I see you walking around, I have dreams of a successful abortion. What a shame." He spoke, loud enough for me to hear as I took a water bottle from the fridge.
Ignore, Ignore.
"I tried to make her go a second time, but the whore wouldn't listen to me. Now look what we have as a result." He sighed.

He puts the water bottle down.

I want to stay calm, but at times like this..
It's incredibly difficult.

"Don't say that again. Understand?" Kuroo answers, not facing him.

"What, you think you're so tough because you've grown a bit taller? You're the same idiotic brat from when you were younger!" He laughed, and the fridge shut with an unexpected amount of force.

His dad was now on the floor, sulking against the fridge door unconscious.

Kuroo was breathing heavily, with a little bit of blood on his hands from the impact.

He let his emotions get the best of him.
"Oops."