Walked Away...Sort of...

Chapter 18

Again I am not encouarging sucide. If you need to talk someone or you feel like you are alone.. message me. I will always try to help. Thanks. Please vote and comment. 

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Well this was it. This was the final night of my pathetic existence. I needed to go either way; I was just wasting every ones time, breathing without actually living and causing hate,pain and misery everywhere I went. 

At this point I could have spent ages thinking but my mind couldn't even come up with an answer to why I was such a loser, such a miserable person. I was lost at where I stood in life. I guess I was a lost soul. But all I needed to do was just to sleep away the troubles, forever. 

As I had promised, I waited until Drake was fast asleep and the hospital as silent as it could be so that I could make an escape into my soon to be reality. 

I got up, quietly. Walked into Drake's part of the room and got every pill bottle that I could grab a hold of. I had ten maybe fifteen different medications in my hand. I really was not ready to do this; my stomach was doing black flips and I couldn't do anything to calm myself down. But I pushed all the commotion inside of me, aside and focused on getting back to my half of the room. Now that I walked the walk of death, I looked around the room. There was fresh roses near Drakes table while my Lilli's were wilted and black; like my soul. 

I wanted to walk back to Drake and stare at him one more time but I knew that if I did that the whole purpose of my death would be destroyed. I would be reminded of the only good that's in my life and I would back out, just like I do to everything I ever do. I walk away from it, well sort of.

Well I was finally back at my side of the room. I sat on the bed and tried my best to let go of the bottles of pills without making a single sound. I was careful but not careful enough; the bottles fell on top of each other with loud clicking noises. I closed my eyes and hoped that no one would walk into the room or that Drake wouldn't wake up.

I left my eyes closed for a while until I was sure no one heard me. No one came so I continued on with my plan.

I looked at all the bottles and saw all the long names the medicines had on them.

"Oh gosh" I silently said.

I felt like I was going to be sick. I imagined all those pills going down my throat and the amount of water that I had to drink to even get it down. I thought that at that point, I was going to chicken out. But this voice in my head told me  that I had to do it,

I was worthless. 

I cause pain. 

I cause misery.

I'm a waste of every ones time.

I was living for no reason.

Everyone hates me.

I don't deserve to live.

I don't deserve Drake.

That last thought really triggered something in me; I started to cry. I looked down at the bottles with watery eyes and began to empty out all of them.

There was more than I could grab so I just took a handful of them and walked into the bathroom. 

I looked at myself in the mirror. 

Who was this girl I saw? It wasn't me. It wasn't what I wanted to be. She looked worn out, troubled,and hurt and regret was evident in her face.

I really didn't deserve this life.

I looked for one of those rinsing cups to put water in. It took a while but I finally found it and filled it to the rim.

I looked one last time at myself in the mirror. Here I was about to commit suicide in a hospital..how original that was?

I raised my left hand up to my mouth and down came the pills. It was a waterfall of pills.

It was hard to swallow all the pills but I did it. I took some water and waited for all the pills to kick into action. I didn't know what the pills did but I just hoped that with the amount I took, it would be enough to kill me. 

I sat on the floor trying to picture all instances in my life that made me smile and only three thoughts came to mind, The thought of meeting Drake and Kai. The thought of my parents smiling at me and telling me that they loved me no matter what and the thought of Drake actually loving me. 

Well at least everyone would know my life wasn't a couple lost. I left a note under my pillow. It was addressed to everyone who I really needed to talk to; and only three people were supposed to read the letters. 

The last thought that I had was of me smiling like nothing horrible had happened to me. I was ready to die. My vision was bluring and my heart slowed down rapidly. I think I actually was completing a goal. Goodbye world was the last words I could whisper out. And it all went black.