Forest

Chapter Six

Forest

I'm confused. For the first time in my life, I don't know what I want or what I'm going to do. My whole life has been planned out since birth, and when that plan becomes derailed, bad things happen. I was always told: "you're going to marry a nice woman some day," and "he's going to break girls hearts when he's older." But what if I don't want to be with any woman? What if I don't like women at all.

I've never felt anything other than physical attraction for a girl, let alone adoration and longing, and feeling that for a boy is very confusing. I don't think I'm fully gay, but I definitely know I'm not straight anymore. It's just confusing, because you think you know everything about yourself and then everything gets flipped upside down.

I mean, I'm not upset that I'm not straight. It's really not a big deal. What is a big deal, however, is being open about it. It shouldn't be something people are scared of being, but we live in a fucked up world and until I am able to be who I please, this might have to be my little secret.

Especially from my parents, I'm sure they would disown me if they ever found out. Like I said, they know how they want my life to pan out and they'll do almost anything to make sure it goes that way. It's like they're living their lives vicariously through me. Mostly my dad, I think my mom just goes along with it because she has to.

In conclusion, they cannot find out. Not even Jackson can find out. If word gets out around the school, my reputation will be demolished. I personally don't care, but I know my parents will once it gets out to the town and then them. They will throw me out, or worse, send me away.

Atlas 🪐: I'll be there.

My stomach felt fuzzy inside and I couldn't help but smile. I very clearly need to get it together, I don't even know what Atlas thinks of me as yet. Most likely a friend, if that. I've only known him a short period of time, so is having feelings for him even valid at this point? I don't even think I have feelings for him because I don't know him well enough, maybe I'm just attracted to him.

   After school, the team has an hour and a half before we have to start getting ready for a game. It's our tradition to go to a diner down the road, eat a bunch of greasy food, and mess around. It's always helped us get rid of our nerves and just let loose, it's one of my favorite parts about football. The team is like family, I don't particularly like or enjoy some of their companies, but I do love them and we stick together when times get hard. We have to respect each other for this team to work.

   All fifteen of us stroll into the local diner, I can just hear the workers sighing already. We aren't disrespectful to them or anything, but there's a lot of us and we all eat a lot. Plus it can get kinda of noisy. It takes a little more than two tables, but we all sat down and started ordering our food. We've been here so often we already know what we want.

   Normally, my parents would not approve of me eating greasy diner food. It'll make me fat and apparently that could mess up my game. In their eyes, I could be using this time to practice or study. It's taken a lot of convincing from my mother, but I'm allowed to go as long as our team wins. I can't remember a time when we haven't won. 

   I'm usually long gone in stupid conversations, talk of girls and the people we are going up against, but I'm not in any sort of conversation right now. At least not with the people sitting around me. I've been texting Atlas this whole time, drowning everything else out around me.

   Atlas 🪐: Your favorite cereal is Frosted Flakes? Are you kidding me, that's so boring.

  Me: You like Krave, I don't even want to hear it. That has to be so bad for you.