I Need You Now

Hold On 'Til May

Hold On ‘Til May

Two Weeks Later

I paused outside his door, the home-burned mix CD clutched in my hands. I grinned as I imagined the surprised look on his face. I heard a voice from inside the room and assumed he was humming, or maybe talking to himself – my smile widened at the cuteness of that. But pushing the door open, it was me who got the surprise.

There was Eli. And there was Amber. And there was my worst nightmare, tagging along quite happily.

Déjà vu blurred my head, flashbacks to Eli and Becca made me start to shake as I tried not to believe the scene in front of my eyes. I backed away towards the door as I felt my heart splinter painfully in my chest. I backed away, failing to block out the image of Amber’s hands, running through my boyfriend’s hair, and Eli’s buttons undone, all the way to his waistband. I wanted to turn, to force my eyes away from Eli’s lips, pressed up against the other girl’s, his hands gripping her hips – just like he did for me.

I gasped at the pain thumping in my chest, my heart trying to beat it out, and Eli pulled away from the Amber to stare at me in horror while she stood there smirking at me sickeningly.

Before he could open his mouth minus someone else’s tongue, I was out of the door, my heart swelling with hurt so that I felt like it was blocking my airways, choking me from the inside. I heard him cuss behind me and felt the vibrations of footsteps thumping down the stairs. I turned abruptly to see Eli’s face, full of remorse and fear right in front of me.

“Rim,” he began but I cut him off with the cold look in my eyes. How could my eyes feel so cold when my body was radiating with a hurt, pain and anger so deep and hot it felt like molten lava? “You don’t understand-” he started but I stopped the flow of words with a kick to the groin, aiming it perfectly so that he doubled over, feeling only an ounce of the pain that I was.

“You made your choice.” The venom in my voice hurt me as I marched out of the door but I didn’t stop, no matter how much I wanted to turn back, run to him, hear him out. But I couldn’t hope for a valid reason, an excuse that would wither away my anger and betrayal. He’d made his choice, and he chose a person who was everything I’m not, or would ever want to be. 

 My breath came in short sharp gasps as I headed down the road, catching the bus just as it was pulling away and as I sat on the scratchy orange seat the ringing in my ears would not leave.

This is what it felt like when your heart breaks beyond repair.

The pain was almost too much to bear; it felt like everything I had known had been torn up and stamped on by the one person who had the power to. I was painfully aware of the sting in my head, although that was outweighed by the throbbing agony against my ribs.

Frantically I searched for my headphones in my bag, my pockets, clipped on to my belt loop, before I remembered where it was – I’d left it at Eli’s house.

I stopped myself from crying out in pain at the very last moment and my eyes stayed painfully dry, unable to provide me with an outlet for my emotions. I was locked inside my own body, forced to endure everything without the escape of tears. None of what I was feeling could leak out. As sitting there without the one release I knew became almost unbearable, the bus hissed to a stop and I leapt out, grateful to be able to move.

I set out in a run, full tilt towards my sanctuary.

I couldn’t see Adam as I slid through the hole in the mesh and slid into our hiding place. I needed to find him so I snuck out and round, up the steps glistening with rain. When I reached the platform the sky was a uniform grey, the colour that washes everything out and sucks the life and vigour out of every being. I stumbled, still gasping and sputtering in my dry mouth and strained throat.