I Need You Now

Wish You Were Here

Wish You Were Here

I was released from the hospital a day later with a few bruises from my fall to the ground, but physically I was fine. As soon as I got through the front door though, I saw my mother’s weary, lined face and I knew I couldn’t handle the disappointment and disapproval I could see in her eyes.

“Rim…” she said, rebuke obvious in her tone.

“Yeah?” I replied warily.

“You're alright?" she clarified and I nodded. Her tone grew colder then as she continued to speak, more distant from me. "What did you think you were doing at a party like that? You knew you couldn’t handle something like that, how could you be so stupid?”

“Mum, I-” I started but I couldn’t finish my defence. Instead, I hurtled upstairs to the gloomy comfort of my room, unable to cope with hearing my mother’s argument - because I knew that she was right.

 I sat back against the radiator, not caring how much it seared my back. I brushed my hair back off my face and felt my mouth curve downwards as the overwhelming urge to cry overcame me. I sat there with hot tears pouring down my face and tried to ignore the need for his warm hand wrapped around mine. I tried to swallow through the sobs and almost choked. I needed his hand, rubbing my back and his wonderful voice telling me that it would be ok. But it wasn’t there.

He wasn’t there.

My chest hurt and I gasped at the pain of it.

I always cried on my own, never wanting people to know. God knows how many times I've sat there, in that same spot and sobbed my hurt away then quickly splashed my face with water and covered up the stains with makeup. But this was different. I used to sing to make myself feel better when I felt like this. Plug my iPod in and sing quietly, letting the tears come, the pain ebb away. But this time I wanted someone to know. I wanted him to know. I wanted him there; I needed him there with me. I needed him to share in my fears and regrets, to tell me things will get better - he would be the only person I would listen to, that I would trust to see me like this.

Why do I screw everything up?

The thought made a new wave of emotion crush me. I thought of the night a couple of days before, my breakdown at Amber’s house party. I thought of the voices I’d heard, of the laughter and the shadows, the drinks and the bass and the mash of people that had frightened me so much. I puzzled over Eli’s reaction to Amber, why he’d reacted so strongly in my defence and what would happen now, next time I saw him. I tried to force myself to remember when I passed out, the details but they still wouldn’t come back and I felt my face flush in chagrin at passing out after just a few beers and a spiked vodka. It looked like I wouldn’t be able to be around that many people for a while – my chances for friends was getting slimmer by the minute, a fact that would not please my mother. But it's not my fault. I couldn't back that thought up with anything other than the fact that alcohol and especially people brought out the worst in me. Well most do.

I sighed, brushing the tears off my face and hugging my arms around me in an imitation of his comfort. Help me, I thought and wished for him to appear, for his number to appear on my phone, that he would find me.

I couldn't help the way I was feeling. I'd never felt like this before and I loved the way he made me feel. It was easy with him, I could be myself, but I wasn't myself. I was happier and sweeter, but I didn't need to worry about what I said - he understood that I didn't mean anything by it, because he was like me in that way. I need that, someone to understand. I felt alive around him, like I had swallowed sunshine because the glow that I got in the pit of stomach emanated around my body, spreading so that my lips curved up and my heart beat just a little faster. Damn, I'm in so deep.

The downside to this was that because he made me so happy, when he was gone, I missed him so hard it hurt. I lost sleep, I lost my appetite, I replayed the songs I associated with him over and over, I checked my email fifty times a day, just in case. Everything I did reminded me of him. It wasn't healthy, but the way I felt around him was worth it, was enough to keep me going. And damn, I needed him now.

I cried and cried, to the point that I don't think I could have sobbed anymore without throwing up. He was what I needed, I realised, because with him I fit in. I belonged. He knew things about me that no one else did, the way I felt about music, how much I rely on it. He knows how I am around people, yet still talks to me. He makes me different.

I hit my head back on the warm metal of the radiator and stared at the swirling pattern on the ceiling, still half-wishing he would appear because I felt so lonely. I thought Amber was my friend, but I also thought that friends were supposed to make you feel good about yourself. Maybe I was wrong.

I went through the motions, splashing my face and covering up the tear stains as soon as I heard footsteps. Crap, why does the evidence have to linger?

Smearing foundation under my eyes, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. I blinked, careful not to smudge my newly drawn on eyeliner and closed my eyes. I saw the colour of his eyes, and felt the warmth of his embrace. Feeling better, I made my way out of the door and down the stairs. Reaching my boots, I pulled them on and snuck out the door, sneaking out down the street.

When I couldn't have him, I only had one place to go.

Train station.

And that’s exactly where I headed.

I made my way through the streets, ignoring the cold drizzle that spattered my face, and slid into our place smoothly.

“Adam,” I panted, a little out of breath. “Adam?”

Adam was curled up against the mesh fence, his face turned away from me and I could tell he was sulking like a child.

“Adam?” my voice was softer, more the way you speak to a child and I reached out to put my hand on his shoulder but he must have felt me because he flinched away.

“What’re you doing here?” he demanded, his voice muffled a little. “Why don’t you go back to Eli. You obviously don’t need me.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, a little wounded, but still guilty. “I just... You weren’t there-”

“I would’ve been!” Adam exploded, turning round to face me with a wild look in his eye. “You should have given me a chance, just called and I would’ve come!” He became quieter, but that was even more terrifying; “Don’t you trust me?” his voice made my heart break just a little inside and I fought to not start crying again.

“Adam, you know I trust you, more than anyone in the world. But I just...” I sighed, giving up on trying to find an excuse. 

“Just what? Am I not enough?” Adam asked, still looking hurt, and a little angry too. I knew he’d do this, I knew he’d try and make me hurt like he did, and I guess I didn’t blame him for it, he needed me – I was all he had. So I leaned forward so I was closer to him and murmured to him softly;

“You are more than enough, you are all I need.” That wasn’t true anymore but I bit my tongue – I needed Eli almost as much as I needed Adam, but he didn’t know that. “I just don’t like making you have to save me all the time, I need to learn to look after myself. You probably have better things to be doing than making sure I’m alright all the time. I don’t want to be a burden.” That worked; Adam smiled ruefully and looked at me with tender eyes.

“Honey, I don’t mind taking care of you. You need someone to.” Now that bit was true. I smiled bashfully and he took my hand. I looked down at our hands, wrapped around each other, and smiled wider. This is how it should be I thought and squeezed Adam’s hand. This is how it used to be. And I was content.