I Need You Now

Stomach Tied In Knots

Stomach Tied In Knots

I watched the milk swirl into the coffee as I stirred it, and to be honest I felt like I was watching a mirror image of my stomach at the moment. I tried to tear into the sweet chocolate pastry Eli had bought me but I couldn’t find the willpower to bring it up to my mouth – my insides was already too full of messed up emotion, sugar would not do any good added to that mix.

“What are you thinking?” Eli hadn’t touched his food either and had instead taken to tapping his nails against the mug of tea in his hands and frowning intensely down at the table. Kind of the same thing I was doing.

“Personal much?” I tried to tease, but my voice was off, kind of rough around the edges, like I was about to break down. I dug my nails into my palms just so I could keep a hold of myself. I was not going to cry in front of this man twice in one day.

“Honey, I don’t think we can get that much more personal.” I glared at the smirk on his face, but I knew that he didn’t mean it, it showed in his eyes. He was just trying to hide it, but I could see the damage we’d done reflected in his eyes. I sighed and brushed flakes of pastry off my hands.

“Do you feel better now? Did I- did I help?”

He took a moment to think and I watched his thought process flicker out across his face. My eyes seemed glued to his face but he didn’t notice, he just scratched his nails against the rim of the table.

“I don’t know,” he settled for and I couldn’t help but frown. It wasn’t the greatest ego boost ever. His eyes widened as he saw his need to back track. “No, I mean, it was good. Really good,” he blushed and looked away and I had to fight the need to grin like an idiot. “And, I’m kind of glad we did it. I needed to not think about…. things and it felt great to be close to someone, to let myself have some pleasure in something.” I think we both blushed at that, although I couldn’t be sure as we both desperately avoided each other’s faces.

We sat in a tense silence for a moment and I finally took a bite. The sugar seemed to hit me hard and I had difficulty swallowing but I managed to force it down. My head shot up as his hand slid across the table to hold mine gently and I felt his eyes hold mine in the same way, refusing to let me get away from his sparkling gaze.

“But I care about you, Rim – I don’t want you to get hurt. And most of all, I don’t want to be the one that hurts you. God knows you’ve had more then your fair share of shit and I don’t want to make you feel like I just used you.” I raised an eyebrow and he chuckled nervously, breaking eye contact. “Ok, well, I kind of did, but you have to know that it wasn’t just about... lust. I do care about you, and I do love you, if not in that way. I just needed some comfort I guess, to forget for a while, open up to someone…” he trailed off when my eyebrows somehow managed to raise even higher.

“Well I certainly did that,” I commented.

 “Not like that!! Oh crap I’m bad at this aren’t I?”

 I giggled slightly and nodded. “Just a little bit.”

“Ok, well, I'm trying,” I smirked and he grinned back. “Just, you know that I care about you, right? And I’m so grateful for what you did for me, don’t you ever forget that,” he stared right at me as he spoke, his eyes never leaving mine for a second. “I don’t want things to get weird between us, and I really hope you’re ok, Rim. You’ll be ok, won’t you?” he stared at me, concerned and my face broke out in a proper smile finally.

“Of course I will.” I told him and he looked relieved. “And I care about you too, I’ll make sure things don’t get weird.” I smiled. “Oh and you’re welcome, I guess.” I said and winked at him, still smiling hopelessly.