UNHOLY

#UNHOLY20

Cheating is the most disrespectful thing that you can do in a relationship.

In my case, I just gave Adrian the dose of his own medicine.

One thing I have learned in this world and in marriage is that, you treat the person in a way they treated you.

If he gives you bullshit, then do the same!

As for me, I was not able to do that when I knew that Adrian was cheating. Because I was thinking of fixing things with him.

But, may hangganan ang mga bagay. 

Especially if the person is not respecting you anymore. You have to run.

I was not able to do that. I can't do that.

And I have my reasons.

My family...my dad...

When I felt that Adrian was cheating on me, I tried to talk to my parents about it. And I guess you already know the outcome because I am still with him.

My dad...had a heart attack when I told them that I want to get out of the marriage.

Despite of telling them of what Adrian did to me, I was blamed for being lacking. 

I was told that maybe something was wrong with me because Adrian had to cheat to get the things he wanted in our marriage. And that I am not doing good for being his wife.

Instead of protecting my feelings, protecting me from the people who would hurt me, I was scolded.

My dad had to stay in the hospital for a week because of what I did.

And that is one of the reasons why my mom is not talking to me anymore.

Because she is scared of losing my dad. Not me.

They love their business more than their own daughter.

Pero kahit pa man ganoon, mahal ko ang mga magulang ko. Hindi ko kayang mawalan ng ama kaya kahit nasusuka ako sa sitwasyon ko ngayon ay pinipilit kong mag stay kay Adrian. Hindi man ako naiintindihan ng nakararami pero...ganoon talaga. Wala din naman akong rason kung bakit ako aalis at kakalas sa kasal. Dati. 

I had to stay with Adrian because of the deal between our families. I was reminded that I agreed to marry him for business.

Yes, I did. Because I didn't know that shit will happen. And I expected a different thing.

My dad...is not really fond of me. Hindi naman lingid sa kaalaman ko na gustong gusto niyang magkaroon ng lalaking anak. Because for him, a man is more powerful than a woman. That I am not capable of doing things for him. Ano pa kaya nang malaman niyang ayokong i-handle ang business namin.

Isa sa mga rason kung bakit ayaw ko ay alam ko naman na hindi iyon bukal sa kalooban ng mga magulang ko. Lalo na kay daddy. 

Ipapamana ang negosyo namin sa akin kasi ako lang naman ang anak nila. Hindi dahil sa naniniwala silang kaya ko.

And as an only child who wants validation from her parents, I wanted to do anything to make them happy. At para makita nilang deserving akong maging anak nila.

That's why...I agreed to marry Adrian. 

And I was happy because I was able to make my parents happy. Ni hindi ko na naisip ang future ko. Inaasahan ko nalang na tutupad sa usapan si Adrian. Na we'll make our marriage work.

Bakit naman hindi? Noon pa lang ay planado na nila ang buhay ko. 

Ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na mangarap para sa sarili ko kasi may isang taong naniniwalang kaya ko.

Isang taong alam kong susuportahan ako kahit na gaano ka kumplikado ang sitwasyon.

"Dakota.." 

Napalingon ako sa nagsalita. Tumayo ang babae sa harapan ko. Nanatili akong nakaupo at binigyan ng malamig na tingin si Adrian. Sumulyap ito sa babaeng nasa harapan ko at kita ko ring nagtagal ang titig nito sa umbok ng tiyan ng babae.

I cleared my throat to get their attention. 

"Kung plano ninyong magtitigan buong araw, walang problema sa akin iyon."

Nagbalik ang tingin ni Adrian sa akin at akmang lalapit sa kinaroroonan ko. I signaled him to stop and stay where he is.

"I guess...there is nothing to talk about now, right? Your mistress is here, very pregnant with your child, Adrian. Or, are you still going to deny that to me?"

He clenched his jaw. Ilang segundo ang lumipas bago siya nagsalita. Ang babae ay nanatiling nakatayo at nakatingin sa amin habang umiiyak ng tahimik.

"It's true...I cheated on you countless of times.."

That actually broke my heart. Not because I have feelings for him but because I treated him as my friend. He was the only person I had before. I just feel betrayed that I was cheated on when all I want  before is to fix our marriage. And that he had to lie and deny it to me over and over again.

At the same time, I felt so relieved. Because even if I am happy that I have Nikolai now, I am still guilty. 

But I guess, patas lang kami.

"You know...kung sinabi mo lang sana kung ano ang gusto mo dati palang...masaya sana tayo ngayon.." 

"That's not true! You know I always wanted to have a family, Dakota! But you don't want to carry my child!--"

"Fuck you!" Hindi ko na napigilang mapasigaw at magalit dahil sa sinabi niya. "The audacity of blaming me for everything that you did, asshole! I didn't say I don't want to get pregnant. I said I am not yet ready!" 

"That's the thing! Hindi ako makapaghintay. Hindi mo ako mapagbigyan sa isang bagay na gustong gusto ko! And I am not sorry that I found solace in someone's arms."

Napangiti ako ng mapait. Napailing nalang ako. Bumuntong hininga ako at kinalma ang sarili.

"You are not even sorry for cheating on me. Ganoon ka ka gago, Adrian. Kasi alam mo? Kung sinabi mo lang sa akin noon pa lang na may nakilala kang mas higit pa sa akin, susuportahan naman kita. Kahit pa kasal tayo. Po-protektahan naman kita sa mga magulang natin kung saan ka masaya. Because I treasured the friendship that we had. Ganoon ka ka-importante sa akin, Adrian." 

Hindi ko napigilan ang pagtulo ng luha sa mga mata ko at hindi rin nakatakas sa akin ang lungkot sa mga mata ng lalaki. 

"Now, I have to deal with these things kasi...hindi ko naman kayang magalit sa isang bagay na gustong gusto mo dati pa." 

Suminghap ako. Pinahid ang luha sa aking mukha at humugot ng malalim na hininga.

"What about your dad.."

Binigyan ko siya ng mapait na ngiti. He knew what happened with my dad noong nagsumbong ako dati pa. Kaya siya confident na hindi ko siya maiwan dahil alam niya kung gaano ko bini-blame ang sarili ko noon.

Nagkibit balikat ako. "I guess, I have to deal with him." 

Kahit pa hindi ko pa alam kung ano ang magiging reaksyon ng mga magulang ko.

Kinakabahan ako pero...kailangan kong gawin ito. 

I just hope that they will let me feel their love this time.