Redemption

Chapter 17

Austin

"Why?"

I look at those eyes that used to be filled with such joy. Those doe eyes that I instantly fell for the first time. They're filled with tears now and my chest fills with pain as I watch her back away from me, her hands clutching my sheets to her chest. Disgust is written clearly on her face and it tears me apart.

"Rose,"

"Why?"

"Rose-no, I'm sorry. Please," I beg but those tears continue to build. I try to reach for her but I find that she only seems to drift further away. I stand, wanting to move towards her, but she's suddenly much farther. It doesn't matter to me-I still go towards her, wanting to right my wrongs.

"Rose!" I call.

My eyes snap open and I find myself staring into darkness.

"No," I murmur. "No, no, no." Tears brim up like they've been doing these past few days. I keep reliving the moments after over and over again. I wake up each time, vividly recalling Rose's expression and I can't put into words how it ruins me. I thought I felt guilty before about my actions, but this is a new level of guilt.

My actions haunt me and I can't get away from it. If I could go back and tell my past self that what I wanted would not satisfy, I would give just about anything to do so.

I wanted sex, and I got it. Temporary satisfaction has lead me to what may be a lifetime of regret. It wasn't worth it. There was nothing worth it about what we did. Even while we had sex, I knew that what I was doing wasn't right. Yet...I kept going. I had no idea it would turn out like this. I was so foolish. But in my own eyes, I thought myself to be wise.

It's been days and I don't know how Rose is doing. She's ignoring my calls and my texts. I've left voice messages and I know she likely hasn't listened to them. Rose is ignoring me and I don't blame her.

I don't blame her, but I also want her to pick up my calls. I don't just want to talk to her, I need to talk to her. I need to know how she's doing.

"Rose," her name is garbled as tears run down my face.

Rose

The days have gone by and the secret has been eating me up inside. I haven't told anyone that Austin and I-

I pause, not even able to complete the sentence. I don't want to acknowledge it, but as I look down at the items in my hand, I have to.

Pregnancy tests.

We didn't use protection.

I want to throw up, that's how badly I'm doing. I haven't been sleeping well as I'm worried about what this means. I can't even fathom the thought of possibly being pregnant. What do I do? How do I tell Mummy and Daddy? No, I can't be pregnant-it's impossible.

And yet, I won't know for sure until I wait longer. I can't get accurate results only a few days after what we did; I have to wait for a missed period or at least three weeks.

I sigh, pacing in my room as my stomach turns, emitting sounds as it twists into knots. I feel myself sweat even in my cool room and I sigh again, at my wits end. Where do I even take these tests? Will Mummy not know? Maybe if I hide them-where can I even hide them?

I almost sink to my knees but I can't bear the thought to do so. I can't seek God now after what I've done. How dare I? I've acted so disgracefully. Tears well up in my eyes and I hug myself.

I've had sex outside of marriage and there's no excuse for that. I, who goes around spreading the Gospel and pointing others to Christ, now here I am just-just...

My mouth quivers and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do-I'm so lost. How did I let it get to this? My parents raised me up right, how did I go so wayward?

The thoughts run through my head and I muffle my cries as my parents speak to one another downstairs. I didn't tell them about what happened and I don't plan to. If I were to pray, I would pray they'd never know; this secret needs to go to the grave with me.