Redemption

Chapter 15

Hello there! Just a little heads up that there will be expletives in this chapter. I tried to cut them down but also keep what would truly depict Austin's current state of mind. Do enjoy.

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Austin

I hate the way she gives me that look. I've been seeing it for months, ever since I came back from Virginia.

I hate myself for it.

I put the cigarette out at the sight of Rose's look of sadness. Her expressive eyes guilt me into doing so. Or maybe, more so than her eyes is the conviction within me. With all my wrong actions, I feel conviction, but I try to reason it away. Still, it always comes back.

Why can't I just lose myself like the other guys I hang out with? They have no problem getting lost in the alcohol, the money, and more.

I always find myself leaving earlier when I get together with them, not able to swallow much of their lifestyle. It reeks to me.

So why, then? Why do I still get together with men whose lives are going nowhere?

Because it's better than staying at home. It's my getaway from what I have to face. But not just that...I suppose there's another reason why I'm acting up as well. My jaw clenches as I recall it.

Whether I'm the best son anyone could ever want, or whether I'm out causing a mess, my parents don't seem to care either way. How's that even possible? I thought maybe they'd actually bat an eye this time, but no. No.

"Austin," my eyes turn to the young woman standing a few feet away from me. She's within arm's reach, but all the same she's far away. There's a rift between us and I can't blame her.

I told her I'd take care of her. I even told her, at such a young age, that I'd marry her one day. My promises to her sound like they're from a lifetime ago from another person entirely. I don't even feel like I'm the same person who made those promises.

Sometimes I don't mind where I'm at-at least that's what I try to convince myself of, but when I look into the eyes of those I'm hurting, I know that's just a lie. But how do you change things once you're so far gone?

"I was worried about you," Rose continues. We stand in front of the store she caught me at and I shift my weight from one foot to the other, my eyes drifting away from her. I can't find it within me to look at her head on. I did too much damage.

As if I hadn't done harm enough, I showed up to Aunty's house in a drunken stupor about three months ago. We argued, but then she welcomed me inside, taking care of me, which caused me to burst into tears. I've been so terrible to them, yet she still finds it in her heart to love me.

And I hate myself for that.

I was hoping to clean myself up, work things out myself, like I should, but somehow...someway I ended up back here. But worse.

"Don't waste your time, Rose," my words sound harsh, but my tone is gentle. I'm not being mean to her, I just don't want her hurting herself anymore than she already has with seeing me like this. I need to get myself together, I know that, but I also want to fight against what I know.

I wish I could just enjoy this life that seems so carefree without my conscience taking a jab at me so often. Sometimes it quiets down and I lull myself into thinking the way I'm living is alright afterall. And why wouldn't it be? Who gets to decide and tell me if I'm wrong?

I take a step away, feeling myself seethe. But it's not Rose I'm angry at. It's never her. She's been good to me.

"I'm sorry," I mutter before walking away. I don't want to see the expression on her face. I want to stay away from her.