Emotional Boys 2000

42

A.N. FLUFFY FLUFF FLUFFF

Arms wrapped around my body, keeping my body tightly confined to him, he carries me over to the living room, pulling me down onto the couch with him.

I have a sense that he has absolutely no desire to let go of me... ever.

Us both lying horizontally on the plush and pleasant feeling couch, his hands come to my hair, running through the hard gel, keeping me in tap with my professional side.

His fingers are quick to attack the strands of hair softly, trying to mold my locks into the form of his hand cupping them.

"I think we both need a shower..." he chuckles awkwardly, his nose pressing to mine, his body attempting to stay as close as possible to me. "I don't want to let go of you... I don't want you to disappear"

"Marshall, I'm not going to disappear... I'm not going anywhere" I smile softly at him, trying to convey my honest sincerity to him, hoping he'll feel some relief from his own conjured fear of abandonment.

"I haven't seen my daughters in months, Esdeath... Kim hasn't let me see them since the first overdose. She says I need to prove I won't use... but- but I'm sober... I've been sober for a couple months, I've been working out, I'm eating good... I don't see why... why she doesn't trust me... and- and Proof is gone, and you were gone for all of that. Esdeath you can't leave" he pants anxiously, whimpering the words describing just a minuscule part of his horrendous experience since the beginning of two-thousand and six.

I simply just hold him closer, arms wrapped around his neck, keeping him locked close to me, hoping that it will bring him some reassurance that I won't go anywhere. "I'm staying as long as you want me to..."

Looking in his eyes, it seems as if there's something else I should do for him, something I want to do for him, "do you want me to maybe finally meet Kim...? I think it's been long enough... and maybe I can help convince her that you're sober..? Of course it's only if you want, it's just a suggestion"

"Yeah... yeah, I need her to know about you, I mean, she'll remember you, but you guys never ever actually met, which is funny... but just, stay right here for now... I just want to hold you..." face burying in my neck, I'm left staring into the void of his living room, hand grazing through the natural, short hair on his scalp.

"So, your hair is back to natural... I like it... think you'll keep it..?" Trying to make conversation with the man squeezing me out of oxygen slowly, he makes a muffled groan.

"Maybe... I don' know" voice barely audible, he seems to be tired of the concept, maybe having asked himself the question plenty of times.

"Wanna order take out tonight and watch a movie..? Have you seen Lost in Translation with Bill Murray? It's a really nice movie... but like- not corny" I suggest to him, hand unable to contain itself, running along his back, working to bring him further comfort.

"Yeah- yeah we can do that" he murmurs, hands trailing down to my shoulders, tracing invisible patterns from his mind in my now warm and slightly ticklish skin.

"Well, how about I make the order and you go take a shower, get in some comfy clothes and I'll change too, cause this dress is kind of getting on my nerves... hm?" I offer, hoping he'll accept it.

Truth is, I've really got to use the bathroom, and I'm hungry as shit.

"Mhm... alright... just wait a second..." holding me even closer, inhaling my scent purposefully, possibly trying to memorize me with the fear I'll leave.

I feel as if everything that's happened to him in the past few years has only expedited all of his previous feelings. All of his previous fears and trust issues seemingly confirmed.
I want to know exactly what made him feel like this toxic thing.
As if no one wants to be around him.
As if he doesn't deserved anyone's care.
What made him feel like he wasn't someone worth keeping?

I know I played a part in his messy life story.
I know I helped create part of who he is today...

I honestly feel we were good people at the wrong time, sweeping each other up in our emotional issues that we hadn't thought to resolve.

I just want to know... where it all starting going wrong, so I can make him feel like everything is going to be okay.

"Ok... uhm, can we order pizza..?" Ever so slightly retracting from my body, he looks at me earnestly, hoping I'm good with the idea.

"Absolutely, are you good with Dominos, or do you have a favourite place" he begins shaking his head 'no' softly after hearing my words.

"No, Dominos works"

***

"The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you."

This is the quote we spent the most of the night talking about.

With the half cheese, half olives and peppers pizza being devoured easily, along with the large fluffy throw blankets containing us to each other, it felt as if the conversation could never possible end.

I've missed this.

"I feel like it's really easy to say you know yourself... think you've got it all figured out, but then you see yourself acting in a way you thought you never would, but still seems to make sense to you, and you kind of realize that you're sorta also a mystery to yourself... or... you know those moments where you felt as if you always had a plan in mind for how you'd react... until you actually got to it. Fuck, most of the time people don't even know what they believe in spiritually, if at all... I don't even know what I believe... but you always pegged me as someone who had shit figured out"

Turning to me, his shoulders press against mine, our heat contained under the confines of the blankets, only breaking the 'quarantine' when one of us reaches for another slice.

He's got this look on his face, as if he looks up to me, wants to know my opinion... I'm not even sure. I just see it in the subtle widening of his eyes, the flat yet soft expression hoping for an impression to be made on it.

"I don't even know if I have... I think I've just spent enough time thinking by myself... trying to make my mind up about things... I just... I just like to think that, as long as I go to bed at the end of the day, having been a nice or ok human being... that's enough, but I don't even know how I'll react to certain things... I like to hope things don't effect me as much as they would other people... but I wouldn't know..." looking back at him, his expression showing one of pure daze, as if off in his own world trying to conjure up something.

"But... I felt like, for example, knowing I'm smart, knowing I can financially support myself... knowing exactly what I'm into, whether that be sexually or otherwise, doesn't matter... it helped when people questioned that... because it doesn't matter whether for example someone thinks I'm good at my job or not... because I know that I am, I know myself in that way, so it's easily to let go of it... I guess it's a self esteem thing too though... I don't think everyone accepts who they are, whether it be straight ignorance or the lack of self worth masquerading as being humble..."

"Yeah... I jus' don't think I've fully accepted who I am... I know I'm a good rapper, at least I pretend to know... but when anyone questions it, or criticizes my work... I just feel so... defensive, and frustrated... I'm constantly getting myself in beef... when really I should know it's not worth my time... or... like- I've got some pretty major trust issues... I just can barely comprehend it, usually in the moments where I'm on the defence... I just try my hardest to convince myself that people really aren't worth my trust..." his words resonate with me, knowing I'm also guilty of trying to convince myself that I know myself in ways I don't, trying to prove to myself I like things or feel things I don't because it's what I've wanted to know myself to be.

I giggle softly to myself, looking at his nervously face, bottom lip tucked under the confines of his teeth, "I tried so hard to convince myself I enjoyed my job that it fucked up everything between us"

He gives me a remorseful frown, dropping his shoulder onto my shoulder, "that wasn't your fault, I should have given you time to think, the whole ordeal was stupid"

Sighing, his hand comes to my thigh from under the blanket, running against the hot skin, though not seeking out anything sexual, strictly trying to offer reassurance.

"I've missed this so much..." I mumble, dropping my head onto the back of the couch, my view resonating on the ceiling.

"Talking..?"

"Yeah, just being with you..."