Emotional Boys 2000

27

A.N. Filler essentially lol ft. Cute conversation

"Punching a brick wall... and a dumpster...?" The therapist reiterates, looking at me with some form of professional attempt at looking concerned.

"Yeah" I approve dryly, rubbing my thumb along the healing knuckles of my right hand. They're scabbed over, fragile to the touch, but healing nonetheless.

"And what emotion do you feel spearheaded this behaviour?" He asks, writing things down as I look over to the large book shelf just briefly behind him.

Looking at all the titles, spanning through all mental disorders, a title keeps appearing. 'Cognitive behavioural therapy'

Well, if there are so many books using the technique, it should be useful?

"Anger and fear" I grumble, pulling one of the plush pillows on the couch into my lap, squeezing it tightly towards myself. I feel on guard, in need of protecting myself from a foreign enemy or force.

Not that something bad would occur in a therapist's office, but I feel nervous nonetheless. I don't trust him, not anyone really, and I don't really see the use in therapy, that being said, I don't think the situation in the alley was normal, so I do in fact want some answers.

"Mhm, and what thoughts led to you feeling angry and fearful?" He proceeds, looking up from his notes and giving me a monotone and emotionally lacking expression.

"I felt I had no control, no ability to determine what to do. Not only that but I felt I was proving people right"

"What people?"

"The men I work with. Every gross look, every time they interrogate you about how much money you make, or what you think or how you react to things... it all just morphs into one big sign telling me 'you don't belong here, leave' and by not being able to handle the stress, I felt I was proving them right... Like I couldn't handle what the men could... so yeah, I was afraid and angry about that" I explain tiredly, sighing after the fact and turning my attention to the tissue box on the coffee table in front of me, wondering if I'll ever need it.

"Predominantly male fields tend to act territorial, and for the majority, men are not being taught that being equal to a woman in intelligence or career advancement is not a bad thing. They feel emasculated and then react by treating you still as less than, psychologically convincing you that despite your same rolls, you are still below them. However, you earned that roll by working just as hard, if not harder than them. You deserve to be there, and by being there you are not only being a role model just by existing in that space, but also are helping normalize it for the men there so society can continue to grow. You deserve to be there" it feels weird being valued and seen by someone, I'm not used to it, and I partially feel like he's just kissing my ass cause I'm paying him. I knew all these things in my own mind, but it becomes background noise that starts to be hard to follow. Hearing him explain it felt solidifying, and real... true.

I don't respond to his words, wanting to feel humble enough to not say 'I'm aware' though I don't actually take the words with full weight when I think them. It's always been in the back of my mind that I'm deserving of working there, yet anytime I'm snubbed or talked down to, I seemingly forget all about everything I've worked to accomplish.

Oh to be a man.

"How did you feel after the fact? Any feelings of realization, regret or even enjoyment..?" He continues on, not really expecting me to answer him which I like considering I had no desire to.