Miles apart (Man × Man) ✔

39) g r i e v e d

Ash was still staring at the night sky when he saw it: a shooting star. He wasn't one to believe the wishes from a shooting star always came true, especially as his wish would have been to get his mom back.

"I'm sorry." Ash turned to say to Miles and pressed a kiss on the top of his head. If a wish from a shooting star wouldn't bring back his mom, he wanted to ask for him and Miles to be okay. That they would get through this and everything else life would throw in their way, together. 

"I know." Miles whispered back, snuggling against Ash until his head was resting in the crook of Ash's neck. It was chilly, but Miles' body warned Ash just enough and he wasn't in a hurry to get back to the others.

"It just hurts so fucking much and I don't know what to do with this pain." Ash sighed. "I can't believe she's gone.. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I thought we had more time."

"I know." Miles repeated and wrapped an arm around Ash's waist. He wasn't reticent because he would have been angry, but for the lack of things to say. 

Ash wanted to apologize to Miles again, to tell him he hadn't meant what he said about his mother. He wanted to apologize for almost hitting him and for making a mess in their kitchen. Yet he couldn't put them into words, and he knew Miles knew how sorry he was already. 

"I miss those sweets your mom made, the ones that melt in your mouth." Miles reminished, saving Ash from having to decide what to say. 

"Mysore Pak." Ash recalled. Despite everything, he found himself smiling at the memory of him, his parents and Miles having tea and the sweets and laughing at something. He couldn't remember what it was, but he would never forget the glint in his mom's eyes or the way her laughter sounded in the kitchen. "Yeah, me too."

The following days were much like that evening: haze, confusion, sorrow and tears, but also love and laughter while reminiscing all the good memories they had with Eliana. It was like time had stopped the moment Ash found out she was dead, and it was easy to forget how the world kept turning outside their four walls.

More than once Ash caught himself wanting to call his mom, to make her kind words ease his pain, only to remember she was gone and that that was the reason he was in pain. He still caught himself waiting for Eliana to roll in the kitchen in her wheelchair. 

She was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. She was present in their every thought, yet absent in their lives. There were no words big enough to describe how much it hurt, how deep the grief clawed into his heart. 

And still, Ash had promised himself to follow Eliana's advice: don't let pain turn you into something ugly. He carried the thought around like a mantra, repeating it inside his head.

"Are you ready?" Miles asked, appearing behind Ash. Through the reflection in the mirror, he could see the simple all-black outfit Miles was wearing. It gave a stark contrast to Ash's white tunic and pants.

Miles touched Ash's hair. The previous day Brandon had come over and dyed it to the same shade of black its roots were. With a new color and a fresh haircut, Ash could scarcely recognize himself from the mirror.

"It looks good this way too." Miles hummed and gave Ash's shoulder a brief squeeze, as if wordlessly repeating his previous question.

"Yeah.. Sorry. I'm ready" Ash muttered with a nod, realizing he hadn't answered him the first time. Instead, he had zoned out like he seemed to be in the habit of doing those days.

"Good. Come on then, let's go." Miles held out his hand and Ash took it, soaking in all the encouragement it could give him.

They didn't talk during the drive to Ash's parents and they didn't fill the silence with music either, because it wouldn't have felt right. Not that Ash actually had any clue how you were supposed to behave on your way to your mother's funeral service.

The ceremony was small and plain, with just two Buddhist monks and a selected group of friends and family. Eliana was laying in a simple open casket, and Ash felt like he couldn't breathe when he saw her. Next to the casket was a picture of her, one Ash had taken a few years back, and near it an image of Buddha.

Ash didn't cry during the funeral like he had expected, but rather alternated between shaking and feeling numb altogether. Tears didn't tell a thing about the depth of grief, for grief manifested itself in millions of ways. For some it came like a tidal wave, fast and all consuming, some grieved longer and in a seemingly more subdued manner. 

It helped to have his family, Avi and Miles, and his friends, Javier Muños, Shirley and Brandon, by his side. They were the reason Ash didn't fall apart, but managed to get through the chants and funeral customs.

Someone was always by his side, ready to catch him if he fell. It had been that way even since Ash found out about Eliana's passing. No matter how hard he had tried to push everyone away that day, they had stuck to his side. 

It had been that way his entire life, Ash realized. He had never been alone. Avi and Eliana had always been there for him, through all the ups and downs in his life. And even though Eliana was gone, Ash knew he was lucky to have had her in his life.

~~~

This was a short one, so I think I'll post the next chapter today as well. :) or tomorrow, in case I'm too busy today.