Miles apart (Man × Man) ✔

26) e s c a p e d

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Hallway down the stairs, Miles started skipping every other step, until he was at the door and could sprint as fast and as far as he possibly could from the fact that Ash had told him to leave.

Miles cursed his stupid mouth and stupid ideas, which he couldn't seem to keep to himself, when he crossed the street. He swerved to a smaller street, away from his usual road home, not caring if he was going to get lost or not. Some of the passers by gave Miles weird looks and in any other circumstances he would have felt self-conscious about it, but at that moment he couldn't have cared less.

It didn't take long before Miles' lungs started to burn from the lack of oxygen, but he pushed through the pain. He had made it to a dark alley, narrowed by the rows of trash cans leaning against the walls, when the old injury in his leg began to ache. He pushed through the dull, throbbing pain. Anything to keep him from feeling the ache in his heart.

At first Miles wasn't sure why Ash telling him to leave had hit him so hard, but the longer he ran, the more it started to make sense to him. All his life he had been told his feelings were unwanted, too shameful to let show, so he had learned to keep them to himself. It had been a lonely, solitary life, but he had gotten used to it. 

Then Ash taught him his feelings were valid and that he wouldn't have to deal with them alone anymore. In the middle of all the heartbreak, the world crumbling down around them, he had taken his comfort in knowing that he would have Ash by his side. That no matter what, they would be a rock to lean on for each other.

Yet, when they needed each other the most, Ash didn't want him around. With Ash shutting him out, telling him to go, he was all alone with his stupid, overwhelming emotions again.

Miles fumbled the door open, having little memory of getting there. His chest was heaving and there were blisters on his heels, and his damp shirt was glued to his chest, but at least he hadn't gotten lost. He sat down on the couch, turned the TV on and stared at the screen blankly.

For a few seconds he thought there was something wrong with the picture, when he could only make out blurry figures, but then he realized he was crying. Not just crying, but outright blubbering like a baby. He let the tears pour out of his eyes, wiping his nose dry with the back of his hand, until the outpouring of tears turned to a steady flow and eventually dried up to occasional sniffles. 

When a bakery owner in some reality show, where they were making a huge mermaid cake, blurted out something not all that funny, Miles let out a teary chuckle. Then another, until he was cracking up at the absurdity of his life. Had he actually run all the way there? Had he just left Ash alone when he obviously needed him to stay?

Miles slumped on his back on the couch, staring at the ceiling while rubbing his eyes. He was starting to feel like the worst boyfriend in the world for running away like that. He was starting to feel like a fool, no, like an idiot. He wanted to call Ash and tell how sorry he was. He even got as far as reaching for his phone, feeling it in the pocket of his jeans.

~~~

"Miles?" It was a softly spoken word, no more than a whisper, but it jolted Miles awake. He sat up and stared at the figure who had crouched down on the floor, his heart thudding in his chest. Had he fallen asleep?

"When did you get here?" Miles croaked, rubbing his eyes to get rid of the last remnants of sleep. Ash didn't answer, instead he slung his arms around Miles, embracing him tightly and burying his face in Miles' hair.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, his voice hoarse like he had been crying as well. "I shouldn't have told you to go, that was so fucking stupid."

"No, I'm the one who should be sorry." Miles frowned, squeezing Ash even closer. It wasn't exactly a comfortable position, as Ash was still crouched on the floor and Miles was sitting on the couch, but they didn't care. 

"I felt so bad when you left and I had calmed down, so I called you and you didn't answer. I thought maybe you didn't want to talk to me, so I waited for an hour, and when you still didn't answer, I got worried." Ash explained, speaking more and faster than he normally did.

"I fell asleep." Miles muttered. Then he rushed to explain, his words stumbling together: "Ash, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have run away like that, I just.. freaked out, I guess. I should have kept all those stupid ideas to myself. I know she doesn't want to live hooked to machines. But.. I just wanted to help and it kills me to know there's nothing I can do to make things better. And.. and I know you don't want my money, but it's the only thing I can think of."

Ash pushed him on arm's length so that he could see his face. Even in the shadowy room, Miles could see how bloodshot his eyes were. He looked weary and pained, just as lost and hopeless as Miles felt inside.

"I know, love." Ash smiled, brushing his fingertips through Miles' hair. "Scoot over, I want to hold you."

Miles did as he was told and Ash laid down behind him. Miles had a feeling Ash was crying and didn't want Miles to see it, and so he hadn't spooned Miles just because he wanted to hold him. But it was okay, Ash didn't have to let Miles see his tears, as long as he was there sharing his vulnerable moments with him.

"In-home care costs more than you could possibly imagine, and it's just going to keep adding up when she'll need a ventilator, a speech-generating device and round-the-clock care. I can't let you pay for any of that, especially when it's not what she wants. She doesn't want to live like.." Ash's voice cracked and he couldn't finish the sentence. 

"I know." Miles breathed, pressing his eyes shut. "I.. It's just not fair."

Ash held Miles tighter at that, but didn't say anything. He stifled a sniffle, only for it to be followed by another. Miles let him cry and didn't make a big deal about it. He was glad Ash was letting the emotions wash over him, instead of trying to deny them like he had done for weeks.

Pushing back the hurt never worked, which was something Miles had learned the hard way. Pain demanded to be felt, and it was going to come out one way or another. If not by words and tears, then by disruptive ways like depression, anxiety, addictions, sleeping issues and violent outbursts.

Consequently, Ash's sleeping issues, his constant need for distraction and the restlessness that was evident in all he did, worried Miles.

"Can you at least promise me you'll talk about her to someone?" Miles whispered, tentatively, hoping he wasn't going to cause another fight. He wanted to joke that he didn't mind the kind of distraction Ash had used that morning, but for once he wanted to talk things through without trying to lighten up the mood.

"I promise." Ash agreed, burying his face on the back of Miles' neck. His breath felt warm against his skin, when he continued: "And I need you by my side to get through this, that's one thing I realized while you were gone. I won't shut you out again."

"You better not." Miles said softly. His eyes filled with tears again, but he smiled. Just as he needed Ash, Ash needed him.

The evening turned to night, but neither of them made an effort to get up from the couch. Sometimes they made comments about the reality shows that were still running on the screen, sometimes they dozed off only to wake up nestled against each other. And, somewhere in the middle of all that, a new day began to dawn.