The Ugly Duckling (PUBLISHED UNDER PSICOM)

Ugly #33

The very next day I felt empty.

I've always been awed at Avis for being cold. I envied how heartless and emotionless my sister was. I've always thought being too numb to perceive pain was better than feeling anything at all. Until today.

Yesterday, I bled. I've witnessed how a hole ripped open on my chest. I've felt how extremely painful it was to have my heart be crashed into pieces. Pain was foreign to me. I've avoided everything that could evoke it and welcomed every exciting things that would keep me occupied. 

Today, I was hollow. My chest was filled with nothing but complete emptiness. Nothing hurts. I couldn't feel any pain. I couldn't feel anything anymore. The endless void in my chest was analogous to death.

Having devoid of emotions made me want to embrace the pain back to me. I would rather my heart be devastated, my soul shredded beyond recognition than to be this unfeeling. Being in pain is knowing that you're alive.

My lack of emotions frustrated me. It made me feel restless. I wanted to stop not feeling and feel sad. I wanted to feel all the hurt that I deserve and should be feeling. I don't want to be numb anymore. The absence of pain was an affliction itself.

Sage hates me for what I did to him and Dee betrayed me by humiliating me in public. I could hardly take the idea of Sage hating me, but witnessing how my best friend turned her back on me was an unrealistic nightmare and the worse part is I knew I was awake.

I turned off my phone. If anyone was trying to reach me, I wouldn't know. I just wanted to be disconnected for a while. I needed the time to lick my wounds and heal my bruised ego. 

Every night I kept on replaying that day in my mind, thinking of different ways that I could have handled the situation. I could have made a scene and showed them who's boss, but I couldn't. It would be out of my character. I've never been the one who's good at confrontations. I didn't inherit my mom's vicious personality. I was only good for my gaiety and crazy antics. 

From the looks that Avis had casted upon me, I could already tell that she knew. Siguro ay sinabi sa kanya ni Luke. Kung totoong alam man niya ay wala siyang naging imik at hinayaan akong magmukmok mag-isa.

Sinabi sa akin ni mommy kagabi ang tungkol sa business dinner bukas kaya kailangan naming pumunta ng mall para magshopping. Hindi makakasama si Avis dahil may trabaho daw siya, at ako naman ay walang maibibigay na excuse dahil wala akong pasok.

Gusto kong magkulong sa kwarto pero naisipan ko rin na maganda ang shopping na gagawin namin. It'll help me take my mind off everything. Three days of feeling sorry for myself and I've had enough. I was done hiding in my room. I was done.

"May napili ka na ba, Celestine?" inalis ko ang mga mata ko mula sa clothes rack na kanina ko pa tinititigan. I transferred my attention to my mother who was holding two dresses.

"Wala pa, My." ibinaba ni mommy ang dress na hawak niya at sumimangot sa akin. I immediately went frigid because I could tell that my mother finally figured out that something was wrong with me.

"You've been acting differently the past week, Les. If you think I didn't notice, then you're underestimating my maternal instinct."

"Mom..."

My mother gave me a stern look. "And don't even think about lying."

I was left with no other choice. My mother could see past through my lies. I closed my eyes, sighing before opening it again. "Something happened but I don't really want to talk about it, Mommy."

"Avis told me it's about Dee." she replied and my forehead automatically creased. Avis told her? It's not like my sister to spill someone else's business. Siguro ay pinilit siya ni Mommy. My sister wasn't a tattletale, so that must be it. Pero hanggang saan ang sinabi ni Avis? I just wish she didn't mention about the picture. I know my mother. She won't hesitate to protect me from anyone who'll cause me harm and hurt me.