cradle to grave

The conversation

Louis POV

After ensuring that Harry's asleep, I got up to make myself some tea. And think over everything that's happened.

I walk in to find an almost sober liam, "is it that late or did you guys just come back early?"

He jumps a little when he hears my voice, "uuum I guess its late, Zayn's asleep and Niall's back at his Dom"

I walk behind him on the kitchen counter, to boil some water. "Right, so why ain't you asleep?"

"Just got a lot on my mind" he says, sounding extremely tired.

"Yeah I know what you mean, tea?" I ask him, already getting out our cups.

"Yeah sure, can I ask you something?"

"Mmmh" I say, not turning around from pouring the water into the cups.

"How is it that both Zayn and Harry are inlove with you, and you don't want either one of them?" He asks, sounding anything but judgmental. Just curious.

I hand him his cup of tea, "and who says I don't want them?" I ask pulling myself up to sit on the counter.

"Well, you're not with either one of them"

"I didn't know Zayn was inlove with me, until a few months back when I was freaking out about harry being inlove with me. And i know that you're inlove with him, so there's no sense pursuing something with him when I'm not head over heels for him. But I know my best friend is, that'll only cause pain and I'd never hurt you or him like that."

"So you're not with Zayn as a favor to me?" He asks, definitely judging me.

"No, I'm not with Zayn because he deserves better than to be with someone whose only dating him cause they're mildy attracted to him and they know he's inlove with them. I would go there with him, if both of us where just in it for a good time. But that's not how it is for him, and I love him too much to use him like that"

"That, that makes sense... I was angry at you for a while. Jealous and angry, and I think that you knew that. But you didn't give me shit for it. Even right now, you're still proving why they're both inlove with you... you're a good guy"

"And you ain't?... come on liam, you're allowed to be angry and jealous... hurt even that the person you're inlove with doesn't return your feelings. It's natural"

"Right yeah, I know why you're not with Zayn. But what about harry?"

I put my cup down, "you suddenly interested in detective work or what?, what's with all these questions?" I ask, shuffling around awkwardly.

"Well...I'm curious, plus I know you and zayn talk about pretty much everything. But still it must be hard to talk to him about harry, and you probably can't talk to harry about harry. So I just thought maybe you'd want to talk about it" he says, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

I shift a bit so I can lean on his shoulder, "it's complicated in'it?... like I've known him all his life and now, this is happening and I don't know what to do" I say, with a heavy sigh.

"Do you feel the same?" He asks me.

"I don't know, I never even considered it." I tell him honestly.

"Why not?"

"Because he's like a brother to me" I say, like that explains everything. Which it should.

"But he's not your brother though lou is he?, and he's not a child anymore. So your reasons for rejecting him need to be things that are actually an issue"

"It's just that.." I push myself off his shoulder so I can look at him,.." I don't know how to not see him as my little brother"... I let out an exasperated sigh..."and even if I could..."It's like, I know that being gay isn't some disease someone can be infected by, so I get that harry is probably gay not because of me but just because he is "

Liam nods, not interrupting my rant.

"But the reason I didn't tell him when I first came out was because I didn't want it to somehow make him think that he was too just because I am... but then when he found out, that's when he suddenly had a crush on me... and then he came out because he has a crush on me... and he's never liked anyone besides me.. apparently never kissed anyone cause I said I'd kiss him on his 18th birthday... so it's like his whole sexuality is tied to mine. And I don't know how much of what he feels is real, and how much is just clouded by the fact that he's loved me for as long as he's been able to know what it means to love someone"

Liam looks at me, like he's waiting for me to say more...so I do.

"And I'm just scared that what he feels isn't love, but infatuation. And I know he thinks he's been inlove me since he was like 12, but I can't help fearing that he hasn't had a chance for a first love. A chance to just enjoy Uni and mess about, cause I don't think I could just mess around with him. If I go there with him, I'll just...I'll be all in, and he needs to figure himself out. So he doesn't wake up one day feeling cheated or something" I finish, going back to laying my head on his shoulder.

"That's his decision to make though isn't it?, breaking his heart and claiming it's what's best for him. Isn't really the hero like thing you seem to think it is.

It just seems like a cowardly way of rejecting him. And you're doing it with Zayn as well. It won't make them stop loving you, if you claim some "I'm not good enough for you, go find someone better" escape... it's just cowardly.

And you're definitely someone worth falling inlove with... you're worth being someone's whole world. I don't think Harry's going to wake up and feel cheated after spending a lifetime with you, all you have to do is give it a chance if you want to" liam says, playing with my hair.

"Since when are you so wise?" I ask, feeling a bit chocked up.

"Pining after someone for years, will make you wise" he teases, but that same exhaustion seems to be back in his voice.

"Things we'll work out, trust me. You and Zayn are meant to be, he just can't see that right now." I assure him.

"I hope so, I don't know how much longer I can wait for him. I love him, but there comes a point where waiting for someone to see you, is just foolish" he says, and I can tell his been thinking about it a lot.

"Let's go, I need a cuddle with someone who doesn't stress me out. And you, well you just need a cuddle and wine.. grab us a bottle" I say, already making my way to his room.

Harry's asleep anyway, so all the decision making can wait till tomorrow.

I open Liam's room to find Zayn asleep on his bed, right well I guess we're hijacking Zayn's room.