𝘴𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶. [𝘢 𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘪 𝘢𝘶]

14

THE REST OF that night was mostly a blur. My memory is in bits of pieces since I was too distraught to focus on anything but Jack. After the alley, Gina drove me back to my house. I didn't say anything to my mom when I got home since she was already asleep, then I just went to bed. It took me hours to fall asleep, since I felt so guilty that I got to go to sleep that night while Jack was still lifeless on the carnival ground.

My eyes flutter open for the first time after my much-needed slumber. I roll over and grab my phone from my nightstand, seeing I had no new notifications. I get out of my bed, staring at myself in my mirror. I looked awful. I also had a bad headache, which usually happens the morning after I cry a lot.

Something that still confuses me, is why I didn't see him die the way he did. My vision showed him as an elderly man, not a teenager. I walk over to my window and pull my curtains back, only to close them again when the sunlight shines in my eyes.

I go into my closet and grab out the hoodie that Jack gave me. I bring it to my chest and hug it, feeling as if it is the only connection I have to him. This was his favorite hoodie that he gave to me. It broke my heart knowing he'd never be able to wear it again.

I slip the hoodie over my head and pull it down, laughing a bit when I see that it goes past my knees. Jack always laughed because it was too big on me. It still smells like him, too. It's hard to believe that I'm never going to be able to laugh with him again.

My laughs quickly fade as I remember the reality of this situation. He is dead because of me. If I wasn't a bad friend and just went with him, we could've gotten out of there together. It's my fault. I could've prevented this. This is on me.

I let out a sad gasp, backing myself up against my wall and sliding down it so I was on the floor. I hug my knees to my chest and begin to cry once again. I'm such a bad fucking friend. I only realized that once it was too late. I wish we could swap places. I wish that I was the dead one, not him. I can't deal with this guilt. I should've helped him.

I'd take it all back if I could, but alas there is nothing I can do about it now. Jack is dead, and I'm never going to get him back. I have to fucking live with that, and I don't think I'll be able to. I think a part of me died with Jack last night. The part of me that was holding on to her last bit of happiness. I literally have nothing to live for anymore.

My entire life, I've been carrying people's fates and having to live with it. I can't do it anymore, it's too much for a sixteen-year-old girl. I hide my face with my hands and throw my head back, continuing to sob uncontrollably.

When someone close to you dies, people really only focus on the grief part of losing that person. Nobody talks about the guilt you feel. The hole in your heart that feels like it will never be filled, and the part of you that's pining to switch places with the dead one. If it were my call, Jack would be walking the earth still and I'd be the one dead.

I remove my hands from my face and try to control my breaths as I stare at my wall. Memories of Jack and I laughing about the most stupid shit in this bedroom quickly flood my mind, and then the reminder that he's really gone comes back. I can't fucking do this shit.