Secret smile

48

She could still feel his lips against hers. Which was insane. He had kissed her last night, it was insane to think she could still feel his lips pressed hard into hers. He had kissed her and her brain hadn't bothered shutting up since then. It hadn't shut up when they cuddled while watching the rest of the movie in complete silence, or when they had talked about really random things that didn't matter and it had gotten really loud when he had gently kissed her goodnight.

He had kissed her. Actually, completely kissed her in a way that he had never kissed her before, in a way no one had ever kissed her before. She could still feel his large, calloused hands against her body, holding her boob in his hand, the muscles flexing and relaxing. He had kissed her. He had actually kissed her and groped her and she wasn't sure what any of it meant anymore. He had wanted her, she had felt it in the kiss and she had actually felt it. Derek Shepherd had wanted her and she had no idea exactly what it was. Because she knew Derek hadn't had sex since the time they had been drunk the year before. But yesterday he had definitely wanted her and there had been something else, something in the way he whispered that she was beautiful.

That was the other thing she couldn't get out of her head. Every time she closed her eyes, she heard him, saw him whispering that she was beautiful. His eyes had been...shining or something. Like she was actually beautiful or something, like he actually was amazed by her and she was pretty sure no one had ever thought that. No one had ever whispered she was beautiful in the admiring way Derek did.

She wanted to believe it. She had loved him for so long, so deeply and so long, she could barely remember a time when she didn't love him. Which she knew was insane because she hadn't even known him that long but still, it felt that way. And now he was saying things like she was beautiful and kissing her like that and she wanted to fall into it and believe it all. But it wasn't...he was Derek. He was Derek and he had a dead wife and a dead daughter and sometimes, she still had nightmares, bad ones. Really bad ones that she had to bring him down from. And he hated driving in the rain. And her friends still said he was an asshole at work. So this might not be real. This could be a mess and she was about to get into it. But he said she was beautiful. Which had to mean something because he had never talked to her like that before, he had never looked at her like that before and he definitely hadn't kissed her like that. That kiss had been completely different and it meant something. She just wasn't sure what. Which is why her head refused to shut up now and she really had to talk to someone, which sucked when her best friend was out of the question.

Meredith was supposed to be able to talk to him about everything, and usually she did. But this was about him. This was about the way he was looking at her, the softness in his eyes and the way he had kissed her good morning, his hand playing on her stomach before he had moved out of bed to make breakfast. And the way he had kissed her and told her she was beautiful as she was leaving. She couldn't talk to him about this. Which kind of made her list really short. Because if she talked to Izzie she would just get groans about how Derek was an asshole so it didn't matter. Alex would tell her he wasn't a chick or an ovarian sister or whatever. George would try and end up suggesting nothing. And Cristina would call Derek and ass and not want to talk about the girly stuff. Not being able to talk to Derek left Lexie. That would be weird. Lexie was Mark's girlfriend. And Mark was Derek's brother so there was a chance Lexie would tell Mark and then Mark would tell Derek and then Derek...she wasn't sure what Derek would say. This was bad. Really, really bad. But she had to talk to someone. Which was why she had snuck into the hospital and was now keeping sunglasses on as she walked through the halls, hoping Derek wouldn't see her.

"Meredith?" her sister's voice came from down the hallway.

"Lex!" Meredith gasped, turning quickly. "Lex! Is...is Derek here? Is Mark around?"