Secret smile

32

She had been pretty sure she had overreacted. At least that's what she told herself when she had called him the day before. She had been certain that she had just freaked out or something about nothing, because Derek was her best friend. She had just had a crap day and had been in a kind of crap mood when she had gotten to his trailer so she had thought it wasn't his fault. So she had definitely overreacted. That's it. She had been stupid and silly and...except today she had visited her mom before coming here. That was never good, and she really wanted to talk about it with someone. Someone like Derek. Except he was doing it again. And this time, she was pretty sure it wasn't just her fault. She was pretty sure forgiving him might have been a stupid thing to do. Except she had really missed him. She had only actually managed to avoid seeing him, to ignore his calls for a few days and then she had given in. Because it had literally not taken anything at all to miss him and to miss his huge spot on the cliff. Somehow everything had felt slightly messy and confusing without him there. So she had given in and called.

Meredith stared at her hands as she listened to her best friend rant beside her. She should be paying attention. She knew that. She was his anchor or something and she was one of the only people that ever listened to him, so she should be at least listening. He could be saying something really important and she should listen. She would be. Except her day had been crap.

Her coffee maker had broken, she had forgotten to throw her clothes in the dryer, the Holden family all seemed to have decided to come down with a bad stomach virus, therapy had been crap, and then she had gone to see her mom. She hated that she hated going to see her mom. It was what she was supposed to do, but every time she saw her mom, she walked away feeling worthless and unwanted. And now her best friend or whatever it was Derek was hadn't even asked her how it had gone. He hadn't said a word about it even though he knew she had gone to see her mom and he knew she hated seeing her mom. There hadn't been one question and she really needed to talk to him about it. He'd make it better. Or she was pretty sure he could if he listened.

But he was pacing around his trailer as she sat on his bed, her legs against her chest as she tried not to cry. She hadn't cried all day and she wasn't going to cry now just because her anchor was too busy sinking to be her anchor. He had had a bad day, and he had the right to have a bad day. His wife and daughter were dead, he was alone in a trailer, and he had a reason to be having a bad day; she didn't. She could go home later and drag Cristina to Joe's or something. Cristina wasn't as good at the anchor thing was Derek was, actually she kind of sucked at it but at least Meredith could let herself bitch. She could bitch even if it was in vague terms because Cristina didn't know all that much about her, or she did but not about things like her mother being sick.

Not that Derek knew. Derek had no idea. She was pretty her best friend, her anchor, the guy she had once picture actually being with, thought Ellis just lived across town in retirement, writing books or whatever. No one knew her mom was sick, and that's how it was supposed to be. No one was supposed to know how bad the disease was getting, but Meredith couldn't do this anymore. She was drowning.

"She offered to rub my back," Derek ranted. "In the middle of surgery, I shifted and she took that as a sign that I needed a back rub."

"Hmmm hmmm," she breathed, dropping her face into her hands for a second and then looking up quickly. She wasn't going to cry. there was no way in hell she was going to cry right now. Her mother was sick, her mother barely knew who she was, but she wasn't supposed to tell anyone that and crying would lead to that. Crying would lead to telling Derek her mom was sick and she was incapable of forming a relationship with her father. And that she was a completely crap person or something.

"That's not her job. She hands me tools, she doesn't need to rub my back. How many months has it been, Mer? How many months? And she still refuses to stop flirting with me."