Something that changed everything

°15•Waiting

Viola

Everything went like a blur ever since I saw the blood on my bed. I’m not aware of what’s happening to me right now. I know I’m sitting on a bed at the hospital, waiting. It’s like it’s all I’ve been doing these past three months.

The first time was when I waited three minutes to know if I was pregnant with the pregnancy test. Then I waited about three weeks before I gathered the courage to tell Ian that he would be a father. Another three weeks had passed before we told our parents.

When I went to the doctor yesterday, she informed me that I was three months pregnant. I even heard the baby’s heartbeats.

Earlier tonight the unthinkable happened. I lost a lot of blood. Now, here I am, waiting once again. Ian is sitting at my side on the bed while my mother is sitting on a chair close to me.

I don’t have my hopes up. I saw a lot of blood that came out of me. I lost it. I don’t think that he survived the blood loss. I’m feeling it in my guts.

Crazy, right?

As the door opens, I see Dr. Bree Peppermint step inside, fallowing by a nurse. I know she’s walking toward me in a normal step, but for me, I see her in a slowing motion. Maybe my conscience isn’t ready to learn the inevitable.

Both Ian and my mother take each of my hands to give me the support that I need.

Dr. Peppermint has a blank expression written on her face as she starts to shake her head. “I’m so sorry Viola, you lost the baby. You had a miscarriage.”

I feel Ian’s lips on my temple, circling his arms all around me. “I’m sorry, princess.” He whispers on my skin.

My mother squeezes my hand lightly, hearing the news.

Me, I’m on autopilot, trying to digest what the doctor said to me.

You lost the baby.

You lost the baby.

You lost the baby.

It’s constantly repeating in my head like a broken record.

I detach myself from Ian as I look at him and then at my mother. Their expressions say it all. It’s all true. I truly lost the baby. So it wasn’t a nightmare, it was all real. I knew it, but I didn’t want to believe it.

All of this is fucking real.

I let out a sigh. This morning or the day before, when I woke up, I was pregnant. Now I will go to sleep with something missing inside of me.

At some point, I was released by the hospital, and now my mother is driving us back.

I’m glad that I haven’t told Angus’ children yet. They would have a bunch of questions as to why that happened to me and I’m sure I wouldn’t have had the strength to do it.

“Mom?” I ask her as she parks the car in the parking lot of our house.

“Yes, sweetie.”

“My bed…” I struggle to say. “My bed is ruined by the blood loss that I had. Do you mind if I sleep at Ian’s house for the rest of the night?”

As I look at her, I know she’s thinking about my request. Normally she wouldn’t have hesitated.

“I promise you, Sandra. I will take care of her.” Ian promises.

What is my mother afraid of? That I will jump Ian’s bones because we are going to be alone in his room. How can I after what happened to me?

She gives a smile that isn’t genuine. I see the sadness in her eyes. She didn’t only lose the chance to be a grandmother. Her daughter is in great pain. What mother wants to see her child suffer. She can’t make it better. It is out of her hands.

“Of course, Viola. If that’s what you need right now, I’m not refusing this.”

I thank her as I get out of the car. Ian is waiting for me. I look at the hand that he wants me to take. I don’t know why, but I hesitate. As if, I want to punish him for some reason.

He frowns at my reaction but doesn’t say anything. He retracts his hand. He looks at me one last time before he turns around to walk ahead.

Seriously, Viola! What are you doing? I scold myself.

This is Ian. Your childhood best friend. The boy that you’re deeply in love with. He’s hurt as much as you. He didn’t do anything to deserve this.

“Ian, wait!” I nearly shout.

He stops and turns around to look at me.

This time, I don’t hesitate. I run to him, taking his hand. I’m relieved as he doesn’t push me away, guiding us inside his house instead.

As we step inside, his mother is here to greet us. She has her bathrobe on her.

I don’t have a choice but to release his hand as Ian’s mother brings me quickly in her arms to hug me. She doesn’t say a word to me. She doesn’t have to. I know what her silence means

No words are needed.

“Mom, Viola will spend the night in my room.” He tells her as she hugs him.

She nods before she kisses his cheek.

“Come on princess. You had a long night. You need to rest.”

Ian doesn’t wait for me to answer. He takes my hand to guide me toward his room.

I don’t have a choice, but to follow him close by. When we enter his room, something in me snaps. Maybe it’s because I’m tired. “Where are you going to sleep?”

He’s funnily looking at me. “Here, with you.”

Hearing him say this, I start to panic, stepping away from him. “What? Why? If you think that I’m going to sleep with you after, after… You have something else coming.”

He frowns, seeing my reaction. He messes with his hair in frustration. “I don’t want to sleep with you in this way. Not after what happened. I know you aren’t ready. I just need you. I just want to hold you while you sleep.” He takes a deep breath. “Can you please let me hold you?”

He wants to hold me.

He just wants to hold me.

I can do that.

I don’t mind at all, but wait what am I going to wear? I won’t sleep naked. Nope, that won’t happen.

As if Ian reads my mind, he opens a drawer and looks inside. “Here, princess. You can wear one of my t-shirts.”

After I changed while Ian turned around to let me have some privacy, we lay together in his bed.

I turn my body to the other side, facing the wall. As I feel his strong arms circling my waist. I can no longer contain the pain of my loss, and I let it all out.

I truly wanted to have this baby.

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