Something that changed everything

°7•Thank you

Viola

It’s been a week since I learned that I’m pregnant with Ian’s baby. I didn’t find the courage to tell anyone, not Ian, not my mother and not Hanna.

I texted her earlier to see what she was doing. She texted me back, telling me she was catching up with Lucifer on Netflix.

My mother suspects that something is wrong with me. She didn’t push on the matter. She knows that when I’m ready to share, I will. I’m going to disappoint her when she learns the truth. I don’t think that's what she visualized in my future. Neither did I.

As for Ian, how the hell am I going to tell him. I’m going to ruin his life. Whatever and however I’m going to do this, everything will change. It already has for me. I haven't made a decision yet as to what I’m going to do with my condition. I know it’s my body, and I’m the one to decide what will happen with it, but it’s still his baby. A part of Ian is inside of me, growing. Even if we don’t speak with each other, I owe him the truth. He deserves to know.

I’m going to drop a bombshell on him. I say to myself, looking at my reflection in the mirror.

-By the way, that night I lost my V-card, you put a baby in my belly.

-Good morning, Ian. In a couple of months, you’re going to be a daddy.

-You plus me, equal baby.

I pinch the bridge of my nose. Even if I succeed in finding the right word, he will have the same reaction on his face.

I shake my head. I need to go for a walk. I need some fresh air.

I go downstairs to find my mother. She’s nowhere to be found. “Angus, have you seen my mother?” I ask my step-fathet.

He’s reading some papers, looking up at me. “She went for an errand with your brother and sister.”

“If you see her, tell her I went for a walk.” I walk to grab my coat.

He leans his back on the chair. “Are you sure you’re alright? You seem agitated.”

Angus was always nice to me. He’s the father I never had. I’m going to disappoint him as well.

I nod my head, smiling. “Don’t worry about me. It’s just normal teenage stuff.” I lean down to kiss him on the cheek. “I’ll be back later.”

“Be careful out there,” Angus says with worry.

After I put my shoes on, I step outside. I sigh with relief as a breeze of fresh air passes by me.

I’m so lost in my thoughts that I don’t look where I’m going.

“Viola!” I think that someone is shouting my name.

Was it, Ian?

“Viola!” I hear him again. "Watch out!”

I suddenly look to my right as something catches my intention. A cyclist is coming right at me at full speed. I froze. All I can think about is what will happen to the baby if I hit the ground. He was getting closer and closer. I feel two hands grab me, pulling me out of harm’s way just in time.

I grabbed him by his jacket to steady me. I’m scared that if I let go, I would fall straight on my ass. My heart pants like crazy, looking up at my saviour. “Ian?”

He cups my face, searching with his eyes to see if I’m injured. “Are you okay?” He doesn’t let me add a single word. “What were you thinking?”

I was thinking about you baby. I snap at him in my head.

I don’t release the hold that I have on him. My heart is still biting like crazy.

His hand is still on my cheek. I didn’t pull away from his touch. The last time we were that close was that night.

I miss him.

I miss him as my friend. I miss the person that he was to me before high school. I want to shout at him the truth about our situation. I want to be brave and tell him without fear, but no words come out of my mouth.

“Thank you, Ian.” I hear myself say instead.

He nods as he brushes a lock of hair behind my ear. It’s as if he can’t help himself.

Ian narrows his eyes, realizing what he did. He clears his throat, stepping away from me. I don’t have a choice to let him go.

Is it wrong for me to want to go back in his arms?

Ian rubs the back of his neck. If I did know him better, I would say that he’s nervous. “You know what, princess? It’s been a while since we were civil to each other.”

I can’t deny his words because it’s the truth.

I don’t if it’s because I’m carrying his child or the emotions that travel between us. I step closer to him, circling my arms around his waist, and lean my head on his chest.

“Princess, you okay?” He surprises me as he circles his arms around me. I was sure he would pull away again from me.

I lift my head, looking into his brown eyes. I realize what I’m doing. It’s my turn to pull away from him. What am I doing? I can’t do this to him. Not before I tell him everything. Even then, my situation won’t change the problems we have had for so many years. I can’t listen to my desire.

“I’m sorry, Ian. I can’t do this.” I’m ashamed of myself, I can’t even look at him.

He nods as he keeps his distance.

Is it wrong for me to want him to fight me on this? I want him to grab me as he says to me. I won’t let you go, ever again.

I blame the hormones. Before I was able to stay clear of him and now I want him back in my life. I’m still Viola and He’s still Ian. We are no longer friends. I have to remind myself of this. So I won’t do something that I will regret later.

Even if by some miracle we could have a chance to be back into each other’s lives. I’m still pregnant. I don’t stop reminding myself.

“Thank you for earlier, Ian. I have to go now.” It’s the last thing I say to him, leaving his side.

I’m such a coward. There I was alone with him with no distraction. I could have said everything. When will I have another opportunity like this one? He deserves so much better than this.

I step inside my room and the first thing I do. I close my curtain. It is the only thing that separates me from seeing the window of his room.

Everything that happened between us, it’s coming back to smack me right on my face.

It’s too much to handle right now. I step back and when I feel my bed. I slide down on the floor as tears flow down my cheeks.

How I’m I going to do this? I ask myself over and over again. 

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