Femme Empire

Hard Decisions

I woke with a jolt, my heart racing at a hundred miles per hour. My body was overheated and exhausted and burning like a furnace. Ethan was sprawled over the covers, magnificently naked. But he had been crushing me in his sleep.

As my breathing slowed, I hopped out of the bed taking care not to wake him up. He worked way too hard to be denied a godd night's sleep.

Tonight we had were in his apartment because I couldn't face my house without thinking about my son. Every wall of that house had my son's smell on it. It was terrifying to think that the smell was all I would have one day. So, Etha had let me crash at his place.

I went to the kitchen and drank a bottle of water straight from the fridge. Then, I rested my head on the fridge feeling exhausted both physically and emotionally.

Running back to back from hospital to office wasn't ideal workout for anyone.

Sleep wouldn't come to me tonight. My mind was restless. If I went back to bed, I would toss and turn and ultimately wake Ethan up. He deserved some rest. I didn't want to worry him.

So, I picked up a packet of pretzels and went into Ethan's study.

It was a spacious study filled floor-to-ceiling with books. Though most of them were on medicine, there were also thick volumes of poetry, that he loved. That man could spout poetry from memory and that poetry could always make me smile.

Neruda, Rumi, Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Hardy, Poe.....his study was littered with theeternal words of poets.

I picked up a worn volume of Edgar Allan Poe and turned a page. On the dedication of the page, was a stylized, Italic text.

"Remember me when you pray...
For hope doth lead from day to day"

A pressed daisy lay between the pages of the book. It was an odd quote, something Anne Boleyn had written in the pages of her Bible that rendered her from cruel seductress to a pious innocent. It was odd to write that in Ethan's poetry book. The writing was clearly feminine. A lover perhaps, a patient, a friend? The quote could have been anyone's but it was clearly important because of the number of times, fingers had been rubbed over the text. Even the dried ink had smudged a little. Ethan had held onto this book because of someone's memory that lay trapped between the pages.

But, before I could speculate further, the moon light shone on a sheet of paper. Sometimes, there is a voice that speaks in our hearts, warning us of the danger ahead. That voice was telling me distinctly that the paper wasn't anything I would like to see. Yet, curiosity won over gut feelings. It was a gross invasion of Ethan's privacy and yet I wanted to see it.

It read.

Doctor Trent,
         The inquiry for the vacancy that you made is positive. We have need for volunteers like you, in these times.Afganistan is a war zone. As a part of the UN delegation, we beseech you to join. Your experience in the field wil be of tremendous help.

My heart stopped for a moment.

My gaze fell on the table, where a plane ticket lay next to the opened envelope. A quiet sob rose in my throat. What was he planning to do?

"It means nothing.", said a soft, sleep-kissed voice near the door. I startled out of my thoughts to see Ethan walking slowly into the library in my ultra-large tee.

Women tended to wear men's clothes. It warmed me to see him wearing that  comfortable, old tee with the AC/DC logo.

But that didn't lessen the pain in my heart.

"That plane ticket means nothing.", he said coming to sit on the floor beside my chair. He lay his cheek softly on my knee and looked up with  vulnerability shining his eyes.