Femme Empire

Why?

"His entire spinal cord is fractured from the severity of the accident. It's a miracle that your son is alive. But unfortunately, a bundle of nerves got caught between the broken cracks. So he will experience chronic pain when he wakes up and a total loss of movement in the legs. No reflex. Nothing. But, we can't say anything for sure. Spinal injuries are unpredictable. The spinal cord has remarkable abilities to regenerate at his age. So, there is some hope that he may make a partial recovery. We have put him in a coma for 72 hours. Hopefully we'll see some progress by then. But, he won't walk again. I am truly sorry, Ms. Bianchi."

In that moment, I felt crippled, my insides were vivisected, the rusty knife of helplessness digging into my chest through my ribs slowly numbing my senses. What would a mother do when faced with the brutal truth her son will not walk again, never kick a ball again, never run to her again?

What could a mother do?

In that moment, I had a horrible, horrible thought that I would never think of again- my son would suffer less if he were dead.

And, I was struck by the heartlessness of my own feelings. I was reeling from the despair of the whole situation when Ethan came out and our eyes locked. There wass endless despair in his and only one question looping endlessly in mine,

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why me? Why my son? Why my Josh?

And there was no answer. The worst truth of it all is that there was no answer to that why except for false excuses.

Was it fate or karma or just the injustice of God?

We never think disaster would strike us. We like to believe we are lucky. We separate life from suffering p from purgatory but I realized how wrong I was. I couldn't find answers. Because I didn't know who to shout my questions to.

"I'm here.", was the only thing Ethan said to me, not I'm sorry Or I love you. Perhaps that was the only thing I needed then, for I broke down in his arms.

" He won't walk again.......E-Ethan my son won't walk again!", was the only thing I repeated hollowly because I could not believe it. I could not picture my son trapped in a wheelchair all his life. The shock of that stayed with me for. Beyond an hour. I cried, wailed and screamed and Ethan held me all through it.

"I know.", he whispered. " that everything seems impossible now but I promise you that we have the best team of Swiss surgeons flying in today as consults on the case. We will do everything we can to help him. We have been granted a miracle, Sana. Our son is alive."

At that, the tears rushed back. He said 'our son' as if Josh had already become his, as if we both already his family and the anguish in his eyes wad so evident that I knew he struggled to be a doctor in that moment. He was being his dad.

Georgiana rubbed the other side of my arm, her eyes glittering.

"We are here, me and my wife. We will be here all night and as long as you will have us.", she whispered.

She rubbed at her red eyes and then went to fetch some coffee for her wife Aida.

"I lost everything tonight.", I told him, grief ravaging my insides. " I lost and lost and lost. I don't know what to do. I feel powerless. My closest one betrayed me. I have all the money in the world and yet I can't help Josh."

"How could He do this to me?", I questioned.

"I don't know. I don't have the answers. They say everything that happens, happens for a reason. I can't see a reason behind this. When, I saw Josh on that stretcher Sana.....", he said his voice sounding pained and scared. ".......I have never been so afraid in my entire life. My heart was lying on that stretcher. I cannot imagine this life without the two of you in it. I don't know what to believe in anymore. "

"We're going to need another miracle, to fix everything.", he said.

"I am out of miracles, Ethan and out of prayers."

"The Sana I know, the Boss Lady I love creates miracles for herself."

I exhaled shakily. The world was spinning all around me and I had no idea what to do.

"The company is yours. The question is what are you willing to do to take it back?"

"Everything, Ethan. Everything."

He smiled gently at me.

"Then you know what to do."

He was right. I did know exactly what to do. I had known from the moment Jules dethroned me that I would have to destroy her to get my crown back and I had only one way to do that.

"I will go, Ethan. The moment I make sure my son is safe, I will go."

"I love you. I will keep your heart safe.", he promised, kissing my hair.

" You have a job, Ethan. You can't look after Josh all the time.", I stayed plainly.

"Then I will leave my job at the hospital and start my private clinic. Treating people is my job, this hospital is not."

I was horrified by his statement. This hospital meant more to him than he let on. He loved his job but more than that he loved this place and this place and all the people here loved him. The OT nurse, Bessie had once told me that one simply could not imagine the NICU at Bellvue Hospital without thinking about the six-feet tall, grumpy, good doctor inside it and yet he was ready to leave all that for love. It wasn't romantic at all. It was terrifying because he absolutely would do it for me. He meant it. I wasn't 18 and neither was he. Sacrificing everything wasn't a teenage promise that one made in the heat of a passionate moment, it was made with maturity and seriousnes.

How could I claim to love him and at the same time take him away from everything he loved?

"Ethan, you cannot leave your job for me. I can never do that to you, do you hear me?!"

"You are not making me do anything. I want to be with both of you. I want to support you. Why should a woman take all the responsibility?"

"Ethan this is madness. We will figure out a way to make this work without both of us leaving our jobs. We will get full time caretakers for Josh. We will do everything...if....when....when he wakes up.", I said breaking on the last word a bit.

"He will wake up and I will be until he does but I need you to go now. I need you to fix your other child. Go Now and find a way to fix it. For Josh. He would have wanted you to go."

And there wasn't a damn thing I could say to that. So, I walked away from my son who was toeing the line between life and death and left for Milan. It was the cruelest thing to do. To choose one child over the other. To make choices like this when the life I had nurtured for nine months in my womb was at war with the company I had built for ten years.

What was I supposed to do?

I had no idea.

Brain warred with heart.

Conscience with common sense.

What was a mother to do?

Be a mother or a CEO?

I should have been a mother, society would have told me to be a mother but I chose to be a CEO. I chose to be angry, I chose to be vengeful, I chose to be that little Brazilian girl.

There came a point in every woman's life when choices have to be made, hard choices with hard consequences.

But, I wasn't perfect. I never claimed to be. So, I left my son with my family and walked away from the hospital in search of answers.