Tsk. So toxic (Levi Ackerman X Reader)

The letter

The story ends here, though Mr Ackerman insisted that we also publish one of his personal letters. It doesn't contain any date or address. It was written, as Mr Ackerman claimed, for a therapeutical purpose. We are respecting Mr Ackerman's will and allowing everyone to read the letter.

Hey, (Y/N).

Gabi made me go see a psychiatrist. Says it would help with my nightmares. And that foolish woman told me to write you a letter. Like a confession or something. She's convinced it would help me get rid of that pain you left me live with. Yeah. Sure.

So, here is the letter I will never send to you, you will never receive, never read, never respond to. Because you've been gone for almost seven years now. Maybe more. Probably less. I don't know when exactly you died. Some said you were killed for supporting the survey corps, some rumours were that they killed you for being Marleynian. Or that you were simply eaten by a titan. When every Eldian on that island became one. You could have also got stomped by a giant titan. God, how many possible deaths. You'd be over your head, I know it, that you were given so many options.

My theory is that you finally came to your senses and realised it was harmful and destructive for you to be with me. Perhaps, you're still alive but you don't want to be found by me anymore. I hope you are, though. You couldn't disappear then, did your homework and disappeared now. Living your happy life with some rich narcissist who treats you like a queen and buys you things I could never afford.

Unfortunately, I'm positive you're dead. So, here it goes.

I'll never meet your parents. They'll never know how much I loved you. They'll never learn what happened to you. You'll never see how the world's changed. You'll never live with me here, in Marley. It's not even close as to when we came here for a few months. Everything is different now. You'd be surprised to know that I drink coffee now. I buy a cup whenever I ride by that coffee shop you once told me about. You made me go there once but I hated the taste, remember? Now I go there almost every day. It reminds me of you. You were right, by the way. Just as always, of course. They do brew the best coffee in town. Though, I still prefer tea. The taste's better.

And I also enrolled into the library here. To read all those books you went on and on about and I never listened. You brought all your books to Paradise... And I never had the time to read at least one of them. Now I'm on "Decameron". It's... juicy.

I'm having a simple life, boring as hell. I'm thinking of asking for a training job. I remember I used to be a good teacher. After all, I taught you to ride a horse, didn't I? You would drown me in your emotions and yet I could never figure out what your true feelings were.

I'll never put a ring on your finger and never again will I kiss your soft skin you polished with three different brushes. But would you stay with me now? I'm a pathetic useless cripple now. I'm capable of nothing but surviving. I can't walk. And you. You who loved dancing more than living. You who always were so energetic, so full of life and joy. Would you stay with me now? With an old cripple... I'd like to think that you would. Despite of everything, I'd like to imagine that you'd be here by my side. To raise our kids. Kids that will never be born.

I regret nothing in my life but one thing. That I never told you how lucky I was to know you. How grateful I was to have you in my life. I'm actually glad you don't see me now. In my pathetic state. It's terribly discouraging.

Never wanted to live, so willing to part with your life, to end your existence in just one short second. I remember how you jumped off the cliff into the ocean. You didn't do it to flee us, you did it just for fun. Because you wanted to fall into the water. From that height. I thought that the ground moved under my feet when I saw you falling into the waves. I remember you were happily beaming. Like it was your leap of freedom. And I couldn't move, stood there like a weak coward and watched.

You were never asked to ride a horse or learn to fly with our equipment, yet, you did all of it anyways. Of course, you sucked at it. You were never Levi's squad material but you were so determined. Why? Were you trying to impress me with your skills? Probably not... You were curious by nature so you, perhaps, just wanted to learn more about my world.

And it never took you a lot of effort to impress me. Like that time when you broke into dancing with a bunch of kids on the streets. I thought then that my whole life was leading me to this moment only. To see you dancing to some crappy songs in the sunlight with old street musicians.

Those kids are very important people now. Trying to build a whole new world. You'd be proud of them. And you were right. Armin is in love with Amie. They are a thing now. I just don't get it how you knew it.

I wonder if I'd ever asked you to fight for me, would you have done it? I'm sure you would. Never wanted to live, but so full of life you were. So eager to meet every morning, every minute of the day, knowing that the night full of fears will come and you won't be able to close your eyes unless there's someone else in the room to watch your peaceful dream. We were so different. In everything. And yet so similar. I wanted to survive and fought for life, you were life itself and you always seemed to end it.

I just realised. You never ordered me. Not a single time. You always asked, requested. And I knew I'd do anything for you. I'd bleed for centuries if it meant you'd still be alive. I don't have anything that reminds me of you. You don't own a gravestone either. It's like you never existed. No one will remember you. But me. Well, I'm lying, of course. Because writing about it hurts. And I thought I had nothing more left in my body that could hurt. Jean made your portrait. Of you riding Mist. Was it you first lesson or some other, I don't know. You look gorgeous in it. Of course, his shitty drawing doesn't resemble you at all, he didn't capture your beauty, your character, your will and power right. No, he obviously did. I just got mad at him for not protecting you. His stupid mother didn't die. But you did.

I hope you wait for me in the sky. It won't take me long. I'm really old now. You just be patient, okay? What was our age difference? Was it ten? Eight? Ah, I just realised I never knew how old you were. What a shitty boyfriend I was to you.

But you still loved me.

Everyone gets what they seek for, what they ask for. That's what you used to tell me, right? You wanted death, you got it. I wanted solitude, here I am. Is it fair? Did this choice make you happy? Couldn't you wish to live your whole life with me and then die? Was it so hard, (Y/N)?

I wonder if you were ever happy with me. At least, I was. And it sucks to admit. It fucking hurts, but I really, really miss you.

Say "hi" to my mum when you see her. Bye now. Farewell.

P. S.: I told you, I have more chances to survive. I was right. You died first. And that's the first time in history when I don't wanna be right.

Soooo. That's the end of the story. Hoped you liked it. Thank you for making it to the end! Let me know in the comments what you liked, what you hated, what you thought was terribly stupid! I'm looking forward to reading everything!