Let's play love

23. A letter I'll never send

Only once before, did Max and I talk about ending the game. We were eleven and It was the night his parents had told him they were getting divorced. I remember him running up to my room and crying as I hugged him. This was before. Before I got these feelings. Before it all got so complicated. I don't know how long we stayed like that; him crying, me hugging him but we ended up lying side by side on my bed talking.
"I understand," I had said to him. "I understand if you want to stop the game." I remember him sitting up and giving me a strange look.
"Why?" He asked, as if it was a silly thought.
"You know... With your parents and all...maybe you don't want to play." I remember him looking at me and slowly shaking his head.
"No." He said firmly. "I don't want to stop playing." I gave him a questioning look but he simply said. "If we just stopped in afraid I would forget what love is, that it even exists."
"Even If it's fake?" He looked at me a strange way, his expression guarded and unreadable before turning back to look at the ceiling. Then in a soft voice he whispered;
"Even if it's fake." After a long silence he spoke again. "Besides, sometimes I wonder if the game is what keeps us close." He looked back at me. " I don't want to lose you as a friend, Lo." I remember taking his hand and telling him tomorrow morning it would be better I don't think we spoke again that night.
////////

Dear Max
You will never see this letter. Chances are, no one will. But I have to talk to someone because there's a constant screaming on my heart and if I don't confess I'm afraid I will destroy myself. Then all of it will come out. All those feelings I wasn't meant to feel, all the thoughts I wasn't meant to think and I need to tell someone. So who better than you yourself? Sort of.
Who decided it was fair? To give me these feelings and not an ounce of courage to do anything with them. Whoever is in charge of those kinds of things tell them I'm not happy with their performance. Although I suppose that's also their doing.

I wish I could hate you, Max, I really do. But you can't see it. You can't see a thing. They say that love is blind but you are the blind one for not seeing a single damn thing.

And I'm angry. I'm so mindlessly angry. Angry, that you can love whoever you want, be happy with whoever you want and the only person I want to do either of those things with is you. Sometimes I wish we weren't friends. That way I could just grab your face and just kiss you. And If you don't kiss me? Fine. My heart will break for a while but I'll pick myself back up and move on. Because there was a life before you and there will be one after you.

But you're my best friend, Max. And there was never a before and I don't want there to be an after. But you will still break my heart. That bit doesn't change. But maybe I can get over you. It seems petty to imagine it now when my heart can't seem to love you enough. Maybe, one day, a friend is all you'll ever be. I can't tell if I want that yet but it seems like a simple solution. Life seems as though it's full of those. It isn't.

I wouldn't give up our friendship for anything, Max. But a part of me feels like it's already gone and I just don't think you've noticed it. Maybe somewhere along the line we started playing a new game, one where we are pretending that everything is as it should be when its not. I don't know when it stopped being pretend. It appears that the line between friendship and love is not nearly as fine as we have been led to believe.

I suppose I'm a coward. I'm getting out before I get hurt. The game doesn't make us close anymore it makes us liars. And I can't do that to you. So this is me, Elodie, signing off. Consider this an official letter of resignation.

I'm sorry, Max. It's all my fault.
///////
I text Max to meet me at the cafe. I don't think I could walk there with him without running a mile in the opposite direction. The walk is long and every step feels heavy. My head is screaming to turn around but I can't. I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to not be in love with him simultaneously pretending to be in love with him. Oh god. I reach the cafe and through the window I can see Max. He's looking around waiting for me. I can't turn back. There is no short cut. There isn't an easy way out. I can't run away this time.

The bell jingles as I walk in and Max's head pops up. A smile blooms across his face. God, I love his smile.
"Hey." I say nervously, tugging my coat sleeve. He jumps up.
"Hey!" He moves around and pulls out a chair for me which I accept. "Are you alright? Only you seemed a little flustered before, is something wrong?"
"No." I begin before realising that isn't quite the case. "Kind of." I exhale and run a hand through my hair. "Can we just talk?" I shrug off my jacket and place it on the back of my chair, a seemingly pointless act considering I won't be staying long. Max begins to talk but I cut him off. It can't wait. I've waited far too long.
"I quit"
"What?" Max asks his smile dims a little "what do you mean?"
I'm growing frustrated and it's all I can do to stop my self from screaming
"I love you, you idiot. And it's killing me."
I don't want to look in his eyes. I don't want to see the betrayal. The hurt. If only he knew how long I'd really been betraying him.
But I force myself to. I look up into his eyes and let out a breath I didn't realise I was holding.
"The game, Max. I quit the game." I stand up and make a move to leave.
"Wait... Why?" He sounds so confused and hurt."did I do something?" I exhale and turn back around to face him.
"No. You didn't do anything." I let out a sad sort of laugh. "It's not you its me." I look to the ground unable to look into his eyes any longer "I'm tired, Max" I pick up my jacket and give him a last look " I don't want to play anymore."

I walk out the café and tears start to roll down my cheeks.
"Elodie, wait!" I stop but don't turn around. I can't look at him. I know I'll stay if i do. I can feel him standing behind me. "We have played the game for twelve years, two months and 13 da-"
"Oh shut up." I swivel around grab his face and press my lips to his. He stands motionless for a fraction of a second and then, were kissing. And his arms are around my waist and mine are twined around ten back of his neck and my fingers are just brushing those beautiful dark curls, and I swear, I swear it's like fireworks exploding in my chest. But there's a reason they warn you not to stand to close to fireworks, because the flames burn and these flames are no different. I push my self away and draw my hands to my face. Max looks breathless and shocked and I can feel my head shaking and my eyes are welling with tears again. I barely choke out; "I'm sorry" before turning on my heel and running home. Away from The cafe, away from the game that hurt me, away from him. It's all I can do not to turn back.