Lighting a Match in the Rain

Chapter Thirty-Eight

When is it best to walk away and when is it best to stay and try harder?

Every second throughout the past two weeks, I turned the same thoughts over in my mind millions of times. It was within that frame that I realized how many minutes indecision can steal from you, making you wish you'd just taken the leap in one direction, despite not really knowing the outcome of either side.

Sometimes the risk of making certain choices is frightening. You ask yourself the same questions repeatedly, yet you can't figure out how to add up the answers into the right pathway. Is this the life I want to live? The person I want to love? With him, can I be the best version of myself? Can I be the strongest version of myself? Can I be kind? Compassionate?

I wish it was as easy as taking a deep breath, exhaling, and then deciding. It should be, but it's not.

In order to get experience, you have to make bad decisions, and in order to make good decisions, you have to have that experience. If you make a bad decision, learn from it, move on, and then when that chance comes around again, make the decision you know is the right one. But what if I don't already know what the good answer is?

It's finals week and just a few days before winter break.

I haven't seen Reed in weeks—not since that night I ran out of the building without him. He's been recovering—I guess, we both have. Julian, however, I've been in touch with every day. Every morning and every night he texts or calls me with updates on how Reed is doing. There's been no news about the brotherhood.

I haven't heard from Sebastian or Porter, nor have I heard anything about Ricky committing any crimes. Though, I guess I haven't been at school to overhear anything, so maybe something has been going on with Ricky. I'd talked to Kinsley some, letting her know I was okay when she asked, but I'd distanced myself from her and everyone else without even meaning to. That's the kind of power that indecisiveness holds over your mind. It's all I can think about.

After putting the car in park and turning off the ignition, Macey and I climbed out onto the school parking lot. I looked to my left just in time to see Julian and Reed climbing out of Julian's car.

For a split second, I think I forgot how to breathe. I'd wanted nothing more these past few weeks than to hold onto Reed, to be able to prove to myself that he is okay—that we were okay. I was just as surprised to see him get out of Julian's car as I was that he was here at all. Before, they'd always driven separately.

"I'm heading to class," Macey spoke up, catching me from drifting away.

When I looked over at her, I found her staring at the same set of twins. "Do you want me to walk you to class?"

Grabbing my hand, she squeezed it before letting go. "I'll be okay," she assured me. "Go talk to him."

I took a deep breath, hesitating. I'd planned on walking her to class this morning, and for the rest of the week, even. "Go," she said again.

Swallowing, I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her closer to me so I could place a kiss on her temple. "I love you. Tell Mrs. Lane I'll come to see her soon."

She nodded, stepping away from me and tightening her grip on the backpack strap on her shoulder. "I love you more."

I shook my head as she turned away. "Not possible."

Slipping me a lighthearted smile, she walked off and blended in with the crowd of students, leaving me to go join my friends.

As soon as Julian spotted me, he slipped me a kind, knowing smile, and didn't need to say a word as he waved and left to go inside the school. Swallowing, I shifted on my feet as I watched Reed grab his bag out of the car. He finally realized that I was standing there when he closed the passenger door and turned around.