Me & You

The Continuous Lies That I Was Fed

That moment after I left Justin's, I immediately started to breakdown. I feel my hands start to tremble as I mentally prepare myself for the tears that I was about to shed. I have never felt so scared and so unsafe around Justin during our whole relationship, let alone my whole life. 

All I wanted was to call Monty and tell him what just happened between me and Justin, but I promised Justin, and I owe him my integrity. At least so I thought because I love him and I don't know what I would do if me and Justin ever split, he means the world to me.  In order to keep my sanity, composure, and for me to rethink my decisions, I tell Justin that I need a break from him for a couple days. 

Two weeks later, I get a text from Justin:

"Hey Alex, I think we should talk. I miss you so fucking much and I can't stand being away from you. I need you. You are the reason why I'm so much happier and in a better place. Please talk to me?"

I feel like im alone in this because those who I want to talk to, I feel like I can't because like I said, I owed it to Justin that I wouldn't let anyone know of what happened that night. When I got his text, all I felt was relief because I was scared to send the first text, fearing what he would say.  As I took the time to think about what he did to me, I told Justin that if he waned to talk to me, Monty was to be there as well. Monty is in this as much as me and Justin are, He's my other boyfriend and I'd do anything to protect my baby:

"You hurt me and scared me. you told me that you loved me. that night did not feel like love. thats why I left you on read and needed space from you."

"What are you talking about. I didn't do anything to you. If u think I pushed you, thats wrong. U tripped over a cord that was on the ground and I tried to catch you before you landed on the ground and I missed your hands!"

"Justin stop lying, you pushed me. I felt the pressure from your hands in the front of my shoulders."

"The only reasons as to why you think that I touched your shoulders is because I was trying to lean in for a hug and kiss to say I'm sorry for hurting you with the way that I talked to both you and monty. I tripped a little bit, but I caught myself before I actually fell and I guess my hands touched your shoulders. You took a step back and thats when you tripped"

Part of me felt that Justin was trying to gaslight me, but I couldn't be sure. The way that he was talking to me kind of made me realize that, yeah, maybe I was overreacting because I knew that Justin was the one who would protect me and not hurt me.

In order to make myself feel more comfortable with meeting with Justin as I was still on edge from what happened and what he was telling me, I made him agree on one thing:

"If you want to talk to me, then YOU need to tell Monty what happened between us. He thinks that were fine, but were not fine. We're really not. You pushed me because you were mad about something that didn't need to get physical. Tell monty if you want to talk"

A few hours later, Justin texts me back saying that he told monty everything and that they were both ready to talk. Justin said as well that monty would meet us at the brewhouse in an hour, and I believed him. While I was getting ready, I get an update from Justin, saying that Monty actually had something that came up and couldn't make it to the coffee bar. Because I was in the process of getting ready already, I agreed to meet him.

When I got to the coffee shop, I looked and looked and looked, but there was no sign of Justin. I called and texted him, but there was no response for what seemed like hours. I began to get the feeling that I have been stood up. I convinced myself that Justin was coming and I sat down in our old spot in the back of the coffee shop and waited, waited, and waited for what seemed like 3 hours. I decided that enough was enough, and started to leave. 

As I was getting up, there he was, Justin had finally walked in after 4 hours after the time tat he said that he would meet me. He was dressed decently and brought some roses, a balloon, and teddy bear. Along with those, from what I can see, there was a note. 

When Justin sat down, he gave me the note: "Hey baby, im sorry for before and I'm sad that you think that I don't love you. YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!". To be honest, the note was sweet, but I had a feeling that he didn't mean it. I brushed off that feeling and decided to smile it off. 

We sit there and talk for a couple hours about what happened, and I eventually started to believe him. I started to believe that I did trip and he did try to catch me and that it was all just a big misunderstanding.