Track 8: Holding My Own Hand (Ushijima)

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Holding My Own Hand By Avery Lynch

Yes I know when you give out your love you don't give it to get any back

"What?"

"I can't go to your party, Y/N," he repeats.

"Birthday dinner," you correct.

"Right, I have practice."

"You always have to practice Toshi."

"Yes, so you should understand by now that I can't just skip because you want me to."

"I just-"

"I have to go," he says quickly and kisses you on the forehead calling out, "I love you."

"Love you too," you mutter.


But I'd hope that person who needed me there would be there if I asked

"Happy birthday," you sarcastically say to yourself.

You lean your head down on the table, becoming eye level with the cake, glaring at it as if it was at fault for your loneliness.

You close your eyes and you make a wish: that one day your boyfriend's constant disappointments wouldn't sting as much.


But what they don't tell you is that you don't need that


I got so used to having a hand to hold I didn't know what to do

"Toshi-"

"I'm right here," he promises.

Your admission results were coming in any minute now and you could feel your whole body shaking. You called him over so good news or bad he'd be there to hold your hand with the promise that he wouldn't let go.

"When is it coming out?"

"Three on the dot," you answer, still not taking your eyes off the screen.

"Two minutes," he tells you, and you nod.

At 2:59 his phone starts ringing. He looks down in confusion before pulling his phone out of his pocket with his free hand, checking who's calling.

"Y/N," he hesitates and your face is crushed as you turn to him.

"Toshi please-"

"I have to take this," he says, and let's go.

Just as he closes the bedroom door on his way out you check the time, 3:00.

When I thought in my darkest you'd be there but now I know that isn't true


Cause you only want me when I'm there to fix you

"Thank you very much," Ushijima says, as he ends the call. You're sitting at the bottom of the stairs watching him and he turns, noticing your presence.

"Y/N, they called."

"Who?" you ask, the lack of interest clearly evident in your voice, but he himself was too excited to care.

"The Adlers. They want to talk to me about playing for their team."

"Oh, shit."

"We should go out to celebrate."

"Aren't you gonna ask-" you begin to say but then stop yourself.

"Ask what?"


When the part that kills me is that I'd still love to

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