Unexpectedness of life [Between life and death]

3. 'Revived life'

Hazel

I wake up a few minutes ago. At the beginning I did not remember that what was happened... but then one of the nurses came to my ICU room. She told me that the section came so well, except my heart stopped beating for a couple of minutes. She told me that they needed to resuscitate me during the operation. But at the end both me and Grace are as fine as we are able to be after so hectic trauma.

I never thought that my heart could stop beating. Also my lungs are weak so the breathing mechanism was not working the correct way. I heard from the NICU nurse that there was some problems when they tried to wake my daughter up. So she is now at children's ward but with all baby size monitors, tubes and so on. She need some breathing help so they put her on oxygen therapy. She will need those feeding tubes, oxygen mask and resuscitation patches for so long ago now. But I really do wish that her lungs and heart would start to work as soon as possible. It would be way more easier for her to live. 

I have not seen Augustus or Grace yet. I am not allowed to walk or sit yet, I need to lay at this uncomfortable hospital bed! And I absolutely hate it. As a daughter of two respected soldiers I am not used to be laying at the bed without doing anything. I am used to be training as hard as all of those man soldiers. The only moment when I literally fell down my legs was the day when I got diagnosed with cancer and that was the 12th birthday of me. 

Since that I have been fighting more than ever in my life, but this illness has not stopped me, so I feel so stupid just being at here while I know that all of my friends are at the daily military boot camp. They are having such a funny moments and here I am swimming at the pity I get from every doctor and nurses around here!!! They think that having a child at sixteen year old is a worst shame, but I see this differently because I know that the possibility to have any kids is like the 0% for me, so I should say that actually I am so lucky to have this lovely daughter. The daughter I even have not seen yet.

I don't get it why they are not allowing the anyone visit at here. Yes the covid is getting worse and worse, but they have fully vaccinated like me! The nurses are idiots, i bet that they are doing that just by mean. They really does not have any rule that does not allow any visitors at ICU [the 'only family' shit is crap, really no one does even not follow that ridiculous rule]!! 

I am wondering what my parents are doing right now? Are they leading the newest boot camp at military? Are they having a fancy romantic dinner at home? Are they at the airplane from USA to Afghanistan? Who knows if they even are alive anymore... lastly I saw them a week ago at soldier home. I hope that they are alive, I am too young to live by my own. Grace have not even met her grandparents yet. What if she does not even get the possibility for that?? What if she will not know who her grandparents were? 

I miss Augustus... I wish that he could be allowed to be at here with me, those stupid covid quarantine rules. I heard that he got some lung infection and even if he does not have the corona virus they want to keep him away from this room!! This shitty life. I do hate this life. Now nor me neither him is not allowed to meet our daughter. And that's such bad thing. 

But now I need try to get some sleep, haha that's so funny I just woke up from comatose I was for two weeks. I have lost so much blood after the Grace's birth that they needed to put two large IV:s, one to my right arm and another to my neck. To be honest just right now I do need like Dracula, Frankenstein or walking dead zombie.