heart shaped box

twenty three

i was trying to look for her in the crowd, my eyes raked over every single person twice sitting below the grand stage, I checked my watch profusely, every minute went by like a second, and every second went by like a minute.

my white long sleeved shirt was loose on my slim figure, my long dark pants covered my legs.

i placed my hands on my head pacing back and fourth, going to look once more.
"Timothèe she's not coming, stop stressing."
i stopped half way to the stage.
"she might come-"
"you broke her heart, my brothers friend works at the CD shop she always goes too and Travis said she looks like a ghost."
marina said pulling her curlers from her hair.

"are-are you being serious-"
my heart sank, as my anxiety rose, I felt like an empty glass slowly drowning in a sticky fluid called anxiety and self hatred.

my next big play was coming up, I had been worrying about this for months and may was the only one actually encouraging me.

expect it had been two weeks since the night of the prom, and I hadn't heard from her In two weeks, she went missing for a while.

and I know the reason.

i knocked on her door for what seemed to be hours, I threw small pebbles at her window, I sat by the CD shop all day waiting to see her, I called her 67 times a day, I messaged her, I went to her parents realestate.

it became borderline stalkerish behaviour, so I backed off, I told myself if she wanted to come to me she will, expect she never did, I missed her face, I missed her lips, I missed her smiles, I miss her smell, I kissed everything about her.

i missed our bodies fitting perfectly together.

she is my muse, my girl, my love, my soulmate.

"Timothèe you're on."
my skin was slick with sweat, my head was full of terrible thoughts.

"Timothèe!"
i turned seeing the stage director.
"this is a big show, there are very special people watching wanting to see if you're fit for bigger projects in the future."
he reminds me, then my mind stops.
"okay."
i slowly gather myself, before standing behind the red curtains, when they slowly withdraw and I'm centre stage. a spot light hits my face.

my eyes flinch at the harsh new light inflicted on my eyes, everyone's eyes are on me, and for once I don't want it, it makes me feel uncomfortable, I'm never uncomfortable on stage, why am I now?

why do I feel so.
so.
so empty.

i picture may sitting in the middle of the seats, everyone else is blocked out, the light shines on her it's a warm growling angelic light that opens on her face, her dark chocolate hair and rosey cheeks, her dark doey eyes, her white teeth shone through to me, she smiled a bright wide, smile, she waved at me and mouths, "You've got this."

when I blink a tear rolls down my cheek, when I open my eyes, her silhouette only remains but she has vanished, and I'm back.

"you've got this, you always do, and you always will."

i take a deep breath. I have to be real, this play is about being real, so I make a decision.

"am I a bad person?"
I ask to the crowd.

"am I bad person for loving someone so intensely when I loose them-when I-"
my heart rate speeds up as the words leave my mouth.
"I feel so empty without her, she's the most beautiful most amazing, most talented person of all the people, she's beautiful, she's energetic, she's angelic, she's dark but she's light, she's the moon, she's like the great big moon, she looks cold but comforting, she always knows what to say-"
my smile lifts each word that flows freely from my lips.
"but shes-but I'm a bad person, and I don't deserve such a person, I'm-im not good enough, for her, I believe I am a bad person, I broke a fallen angels wing and now she can't fly, and it's all my fault because she was born to sore, she was, and I hope she will, because maybe she doesn't need me, maybe our time came and went, maybe I'm a terrible person, but-"
my throat croaks as tears fly down my face.

"I've always surrounded myself with people that brought out the best in me, my parents both love me and my sister she knows me the best, my friends are great, and my talents are always being influenced by the people around me, but she brought out a different side of me, a more creative side, hell I was supposed to be performing my own scripted analogy but here I am."

"but she would never go by the rules, she's impulsive, she's crazy. And most importantly she's min-"
"she's mind ful."

"she's everything I'll never be, and she's everything I wish I could be."
i stopped talking furrowing my eye brows, my eyes sting from the light puffiness of crying.

i sniffled. Hands in my pockets walking off the stage, walking through the crew everyone stood and stared at me.

i grabbed my stuff heading out, when someone stopped me.
"mr chalamet, that was the most breath taking performance I had ever witnessed."
the older man said.

"yeah well it wasn't a performance."
i mumbled.
"the chemistry between you and the crowd, the way you held everyone quiet the entire time, I'd really like to give you my card."
he said.
"I don't know if I want to act anymore-"
the man shook his head handing me his card.
"call me, and don't quit, a man like you, I see lots of potential, I was expecting to see some a grade play I wouldn't care about, but you spoke from the heart, and I admire that about you."
he said.

i nodded taking his card.
"you're gonna need an umbrella boy, it's raining cats and dogs out there."
he yelled as I walked out the back door.

walking out with my back pack on my back, my hair dampens and sticks to my forehead each step I take I take carefully.

until i reached her apartment, I stood out front seeing a glimpse of her, my eyes widened as I went to throw a pebble at her window, but I stopped seeing her smash my heart shaped box I made for her 3 months ago, she screamed as she threw my love for her to the ground, she yelled over and over as she jumped up and down over the broke pieces.

my heart broke, just as the one she was stomping on.
"I'm so sorry."
i mumbled.

years passed and I never stopped thinking of her, I met other woman, I'm currently sort of seeing someone, her names lily, she's beautiful of course, and I love her, but it's a different sort of love.

turns out I did call that man who gave me his card, I ended up being in a movie called "miss stevens" it did okay.

but then, I met a director, Luca Guadagnino in 2016, I did a few other movies, and here I am.

walking, down town New York, may had apparently moved across the country, I checked in with her mhm a few times during the years, I hadn't seen her since the night I saw her smashing my heart shaped box.

i dreamt of her face and her smell, I dreamt of what it would be like when I'd see her again.

each step I take I walk faster and faster, seeing people start to notice me, I stand for a few photos with some fans when I finally make it to the train station.

hoping on, the train is packed pretty much to the brim so I'm pushed too the door, when I see a girl start to run towards the closing doors, dropping her stuff in the process I yell to ask them to keep the doors open but it's too late, she gets up and it's like the only thing separating us was the train doors our faces were so close yet so far, her dark eyes meet with my green ones.

"June-"
i mumble her eyes grow dark as she looks noticeably stressed.
the train starts to move I start banging on the doors, I watch her slowly fade away.