heart shaped box

two

2021

being 23 jobless broke and borderline depressed, was my life at the moment. i hated school so i didn't pay attention, which got me no where, finishing school felt like a breath of fresh air, my parents wanted me to go to university, but there was no way i was ever going back to school after perishing for 9 years of it.

so i ran from home taking everything i could and i spent a year in Italy, I made more friends there then ever, one that loved back with me, we share a small crummy new york apartment with.

i worked at a cafe for a year saving up for the apartment with my friend Jade. born and breed in Italy, she learnt English in primary school.

her parents are way better then mine. id swap if I could, i grew up in Hell's Kitchen, attending high school and primary there. god it was terrible. I had so much going on at home I couldn't really make friends I didn't have too much in common with anyone.

expect one boy, but that was a waste of time.

I was diagnosed with insomnia when I was 9 years old, I go through phases. right now as I look up at my cracked ceiling tears welling in my sore eyes that haven't been shut for what seemed to be hours.

I haven't slept in 2 days and it's catching up on me.

it's a process, I try to sleep, I'm tried, I'm so fucking tried, I get sick in my stomach worried that I'm not going to sleep, I overthink it, I stay awake all night.

it eats me alive, and I hate it. I could barley go to school when I hadn't slept in 4 days.

I crawl up into a ball on my bed, winter was approaching fast. The air was sharp.

Jade was in Italy for the winter to visit her family for Christmas.

I was happy for her, that her parents cared.

the thing with mine was that, they were the typical American couple, expect they weren't the type to "divorce." They had me to try and save their marriage, it didn't work. So I grew up with sad parents that hated each other, and maybe hated me as well.

I was neglected, to put it easily.
If you asked me where my parents were now I wouldn't be able to tell you, mum calls me sometimes, dad doesn't. I haven't spoken to him in a good 6 months.

maybe it was better that way.
my child therapist told me I developed insomnia from being neglected and having no one really ever there.

I did this too myself.

turning on my back to face my alarm clock, that reads in bright neon number.
"4:57 am" a warm tear slides down my cheek, my stomach churning.

fuck.

I decided sleep was stupid, it hates me and I hate it. I get up checking my phone.

"may I have read over your email several times, your resume looks great and I'd love to see you in person and maybe for an interview, I think you'd fit perfectly for the job."

I let a small smile stretch across my face.
23 broke and borderline depressed sounds better then 23 jobless broke and borderline depressed.

emailing back straight away, this was great news, it almost makes me feel less tired. I had put multiple resumes in too different places hoping to hear from someone.

I jump off my bed and do a little dance, I wince when all the blood rush to my feet they ache when they hit the cold floor.

my room has a big window that over looks the city.

the city speaks to me more then anyone ever could, it's almost nostalgic too me, all the walks I did, walking myself to school, getting lost in the alley ways.

it sends a warm jolt of happiness through my cold body.

then I forget about all the dumb shit I dwell on, and I put a smile on, and I walk out of my room, not too early for coffee.

never too early.
i turn my tv on while I get some food ready, knowing I have a job interview and I need to impress them.
"actor Timothèe chalamet has been just named best dressed man in the-"
I'm quick to turn the tv off.

My stomach churned, as my face grew cold.  I never wanted to hear that name again.

Why hello there folks, fancy seeing you here? NEW BOOK ALERT!! I'm glad everyone liked met gala, and yeah I'm sorry for ending it like that.

but you all know I'm a sucker for sad happy endings, this book is fun I thought of it in the shower so I hope you like it, we get some high school timmy. WHO WOULDVE THOUGHT
Anyway, love you guys, stay safe.
And treat ppl with kindness!!