Mackenzie's Critique Shop

🌼 When Worlds Crossed | congquestofthesomnium

Opening comments:

Hey author! I wanted to say thank you for making such a masterpiece! I really did love and enjoy it! And to be honest, this was the first Wattpad book that has me both weak in the knees, and excited for what happens next after such a long time!

Don't feel shy to add inline comments if you have any inquiries, reactions or pm me if you have anything you can't understand in my review. 

First Impressions:

First, for the cover. It is beautiful, I love the cover, Adelaide and Armacres standing side by side with a crack in the middle, separating them. The font is beautiful and easy to read, it just looks really professional all in all. I love it, so good job on the cover!

Secondly, the title. It may be a little generic, but it makes sense for the story, so I think that'll be fine. But, there's just a little incorrect grammar there. It should've been 'When Worlds Cross' rather than 'When worlds Crossed.'

This is because 'When worlds Crossed' isn't complete, if you want to keep the 'ed' then it should rather be: 'When our Worlds Crossed.'

It shouldn't be that big of a deal, since you'd just remove two letters or add another word. And as I've seen from your description, I assume you were the one who made the cover. So it wouldn't be too much of a hassle to fix the cover too. Removing the wrong grammar in your book's title is something I highly suggest, since some detail-oriented readers may see this and get turned off.

Third, the description. This is the first time I've seen a really well written description in this Critique Shop, and I need to give you proper kudos for that.

You were not at all vague, and the description isn't too short or too long, it was just perfect. You left out things that needed to be left out, and mentioned the things that needed to be mentioned. Good job on that!

It just needs a little more polishing, like spacing the paragraph breaks so it looks more professional. But other than that, good job!

And lastly, opening chapter/s. I like your prologue, it gives the reader a sense of suspense and interest for the prince. The way you ended it was also really good, since it follows your description and makes the reader excited for the main character. 

There are just some things that needs addressing, like the all rights reserved and first few chapter of the book. It (the 'all rights reserved and disclaimer' part) was a bit too long, and too many unnecessary things were mentioned. Like the notes for Critiques, Reviewers and Judges, Beloved Reader and Passerby, Reminder and Final Note. 

Most of these are unneeded and might annoy your readers. Though the 'Final Note' states that this is a first draft, it shouldn't have been too lengthy. Just a simple sentence would do. The 'Reminder' part may also be erased as well as the note for the readers and reviewers.

And now finally we get on to the story, the prologue. I think your opening is really good, it wasn't any flashy sentence to 'give the reader shock,' but rather, it was a very well-written description. I especially love the use of the word 'dichotomy.' So congrats on hooking your readers!

But, after that comes the dialogue. 'Come out, come out wherever you are,' and though the dialogue was delivered with just the right description to make the readers hear its voice, I feel it's quite cliche. It would have been done better if it was a rather striking dialogue that would make your readers wonder why exactly the prince is getting hunted down. It could be upgraded--so to say--into a more thought provoking and mysterious foreshadowing. By adding this ominous dialogue rather than the cliche one, it would help the readers feel and have a grasp at this new world.