After The End: Book 2

41. Backwards and then Forwards

Harry's POV

Jay had filled my head with all kinds of helpful insight. I'd wanted to stay far longer than the hour and a half I'd been there, but getting home before Louis and Lux was an essential part of the plan. Eventually I'd made my way back to Naomis car to make the drive home. Jay had only spared her a kind nod. I thought she showed more restraint than I would have if Louis had been my son. She showed more restraint than I had at least.

Naomi tried to get answers from me on what we'd talked about but I'd just popped headphones into my ears and ignored her. Jay had sent me home with the same yellow notepad we'd written in together and I was busy making lists.

I was going to have to be more open about being clean and sober. That part was not negotiable, but I had to figure out how to do that. I thought about just doing as Jay had said and posting something on Twitter like "Hey! Addiction is wack," but people always went crazy when I posted online and that just seemed so unpleasant. I didn't want to make my entire public persona about being ill, even though it kind of already was. Instead, I'd come up with the album.

I wanted to write it myself. I wanted Louis help holding the entire project together. I didn't want to make a huge amount of money, and I wanted to donate most of it. Entrenched in my rebranding efforts needed to be honesty. I wanted to build a promotion that was based on being authentic, real and sober. I wanted to be able to talk about sobriety when I promoted it and I was going to be personal. That was my plan. An artistic effigy to honesty and truth. Jay liked the idea too.

I knew that signing up to do this meant I'd lose agency, as Jay had said. People wouldn't just know me as that kid who acted weird in the news sometimes. It was too easy to push the narrative that the kid had gotten better and could still probably drink at parties. I'd be the adult musician that talked very candidly about mental health and addictions issue, and who made public boundaries. People would have a mix of good and bad things to say about that. It felt messy. It felt right.

I'd still perform, but I wasn't going on tour. I wanted to talk to Louis about how people do single concerts and performances. I could make those safe spaces too. I would fundraise. I could help inspire people and try not to feel weird about it. There was potential.

I had tried to make sense of all that possibility on the way home although my scribbled notes ignored some key issues.

I had talked to Jay, but I was going to have to talk to Lux and Louis next. I knew that it was a rather urgent manner, disclosing my indiscretion, but I hadn't really gotten around to that issue in my head yet. I was letting it float in the abyss as if it were a non issue. I told myself that I'd sleep in peace one more night and then I'd tell them what I'd done the next day.

Instead I'd decided to drop the album idea as lightly and in as little detail as possible. Louis latched on. Lux started giving me sex eyes. She wanted me to be a star so badly. The idea of being dragged along beside me excited her.

I didn't engage in any of that. I'd just looked at her and realized through all of my most recent mistakes and business, she and I never played boardgames anymore. I hated that. I needed that peace. If I was going to do all of those big things on the side, then I needed her and our quiet nights and candy land.

She complied with my request and we spent the night on the living room floor playing the children's game. She made it easy to wait one more night to be disappointing.

We would be okay. Jay had me convinced that if I just slowed down and focused on not being ashamed of everything I've ever done, then I would be okay. At Jays advice, I had also blocked my sister and my mums number with no explanation. That brought me a bit more peace than it should have. I was thinking it would be final that time.