After The End: Book 2

34. Unexpected

Harry's POV

I'm a bad person, but I already knew that. I had always known that. When I go through phases of having my shit together, that's just a break from the norm, not an improvement. I will always and have always come back to this: the mess, the lies, the imminent personal destruction.

In retrospect, carrying a secret bottle of liquor around with me all day was obviously addict behavior. I knew that the second I'd asked Tina to help acquire those things for me but I didn't drink it all at once. That was supposed to be my saving grace. Self control wasn't something I ever had, but I wasn't an alcoholic. It would be fine. I'd been fine the previous night. I'd shined. I had nothing to worry about.

Then my mum had called. That had been the first drink. I'd been fine still. I'd wiped her from my brain and moved forward. I'd gone to Louis and I'd acted normal as we'd greeted fans. I was actually a hit. People were talking to me. One girl even told me I was her "hero" and "proof that things could get better" which had been equal parts nice and nerve wracking. The buzz I was carrying helped me get past any of that.

I took a call from Lux again and then went to the expo and got totally overtaken by the positivity and mental wellness theme. People were happy to see me wherever I went. It had been a long time since I'd felt like that. I didn't drink and my buzz dissipated. I gave Tina my phone and I pretended nothing important existed. I was managing. My success was making me too comfortable with thinking I could manage myself. I was getting through fan interactions with ease and the security guard assigned to follow me didn't really seem to hate me, which was nice.

After the expo I got my phone back and saw that Gemma had spammed my inbox. She had some harsh criticisms for the ignored call I had from my mum. I didn't want to think about that so I'd responded to the texts from Lux instead, sending her a picture of myself with my new MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS pins. She'd called me once, but I didn't call her back. As I put my phone away, I noticed Gemma sending me a message.

"Gemma: you're being really selfish and naive to think you're the only one whose ever been hurt. Mum forgave you but you won't forgive her."

What a backwards way to view things. To believe I owed my mum forgiveness or had anything to be forgiven for. What had I done to her? Exist? Be sick?  My self destructive behaviors were illness, not spite. Wasn't that the whole point or the kindness gala? Awareness of mental illness. I was ill. I wouldn't apologize for being ill. I wouldn't be coerced into forgiving my mother for deciding my illness was a personal attack on herself.

I chugged a good portion of the water bottle and didn't even wince at the alcohol that time. Popping more gum in my mouth, I went to meet Louis.

Then I drank right before sound check. Then again after. And as the texts kept coming in, I stopped reading them and responding and just started drinking at the thought of them. While I got my makeup done and wardrobe, my artist told me that people were taking about me quite a bit. She said some headliners were annoyed that me and Louis were stealing the show since we were supposed to just be guests.

Then we were about to perform and in my slight drunken brilliance I somehow held it together and changed my song to something a little ridiculous and I still fucking smashed it. It was incredible. If other performers were annoyed before, I hoped they were extra annoyed after.

Louis had wanted me to go with him to the party and I'd intended on trying to go but it was while he was embracing me and telling me that he was proud that I realized just how drunk I'd actually let myself get. I thought about going to that party and following him around and trying to feign sobriety while everyone around me tried to talk and I couldn't do it.